Great Line for the Ladies

One of my nieces has this saying that just cracks me up:

"Big girls, big jobs, big salaries, big girls don't care about calories"...

Well, she's a big girl who is losing a lot of weight, so I told her to change her mantra to:

"Hot girls, hot jobs, hot salaries, hot girls don't give a sh** about calories"...

Too many people don't see past another person's outer self & some people even have the nerve to forget to take a good look at their own selves... That's where the saying came from with my niece.

I think that even if you do care about your weight (and, let's face it, we all should want to be as healthy as we can be), you still need to feel good about who you are right now & what you have accomplished. My niece has ALWAYS been a "hot" chick - because she's always been on her A-game with her job and her life. Losing weight is just a plus.

So, to all the hot girls out there ("hot" meaning confident, compassionate and got-it-all-together), whether you need to lose weight or gain weight or get rid of some emotional baggage, don't forget just how wonderful you can be!

Peace
--Free

Cooking Crabs (1st time!)

My niece Gwennie sent this to me & I had to find the YouTube version to post. Living in Alaska, we know about crab, but I can see how this would rattle a newbie. My sister and I dang near laughed til we cried! (Keep your eye on the dog. He's not sure if this is a threat or a food source!)

Senior Moments

(From - who else? Auntie!!!)

***************************************************************************************

(TOP) Doctor to Wife: Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following he will sure die. Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare and especially nice meal. No chores. no nagging. Oh yes, and make love several times a week. Do this for the next year and he'll regain his health completely!

(BOTTOM) Husband to Wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife to Husband: You're going to die!

***********************************************************************************

Scam Alert!

Thank goodness I have family looking out for my best interests. Otherwise, I might not hear about stuff like this. Watch Out For This Scam! Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones. While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth – the eldest – sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables. Be on the alert! Scroll down to see a photo from a recent attack that was captured on film. . .

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

This is being called the “AFLAC Scam.”

Never Underestimate Us Country Folk!

From my in-box (but with some slight changes because the original bothered me), this is a good one...

A country boy from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the country boy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The country boy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the country boy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the country boy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?' His name was Bubba.

Ha-HAH!!!!

How Old?

There's this great site I love called In Between Meals. I have them on my Google Reader Feed & they never fail to make me smile. This joke was in an email that a cousin sent me, but I had seen it on IBM also, so when you need a smile, don't forget to visit them!

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference." The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing." A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one." The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

The Bathtub Test

(An oldie but goodie from Aunt Johnnie!)

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up;a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

(And don't act like you thought of the plug!)

That Time of Year (Reminder)

(From my Auntie Laine, this is a reminder that SOME of us do need... Ladies, you know who you are!)

Alright ladies, it's that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few things. So ladies, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below...

The Open Toed Shoe Pledge...
As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

This, um, wedding...

I got this in an email & I don't know if it's for real or not. I'm going to have my fun with it before I check snopes.com! (The text information came with the email, not from me...But the bold - yeah, that's me!)


The $200,000 white wedding for the 16-year-old girl who lives in a trailer. (Mom & Dad couldn't have used that money for some education or classes in how to act like a 16 year old???)

What Daddy's little girl wants, Daddy's little girl gets.
So when Missy Quinn insisted on a big white wedding with her boyfriend, her father said YES. It didn't matter that she was only 16 and the groom 17. (It's not okay if you're Britney's little sister & it's not okay if you're the everyday Jack & Jill. Listen to me, parents: It's NOT okay!)

Daddy also said yes to a $32,000 wedding dress (which looked suspiciously like a crop top and skirt) and yes to 150 guests at the reception. Then there were the cars, the hotels, the tiara and the $10000 bouquet! (I have some fabric left from my niece's doll clothes project. I could've made her something that covers her up better for a buck seventy-five...)

(If THIS is what 16 looks like... Well, damn!)

Check out the belly-ring ... it matches her earrings! So sophisticated.
In the end, making Missy's wedding dreams come true cost her father - who lives in a trailer and surfaces driveways for a living - a whopping $200,000! But as his princess, who hasn't been in a classroom since she was nine and wants to be a glamour model (good luck), posed for photographs, her father Simon, 35, declared it was worth every penny. 'I'm very proud of her today,' he said.

Missy was just happy to be the undisputed centre of attention.
Her dress, studded with Swarovski crystals, and with a 10 ft. wide train, was so heavy that it took ten guests to help her struggle out of the Rolls-Royce Phantom that brought her to the church. (Can Mom & Dad SPELL Swarovski or Phantom??? We know the little princess can't. Lemme quit. I had to paste & copy!)

(Who the heck are the Best Man & Woman? They look like they belong on a video cover. And you know what kind of video I'm talking about.)

Missy with groom Thomas Moghon, 17, her mother Theresa (who, it seems, forgot to wear a top ....) and father Simon. (Ohhhh... So THAT'S the Mom & Dad... Well, that explains it all then!)

'It was huge. I wanted to outdo everyone else's wedding dress,' she said. 'It was extremely heavy and just standing in the church was really difficult. But despite all that, I felt just like Cinderella.' (No, darling - the dress was NOT heavy. The train, maybe, but that dress... Nothing that skimpy could be heavy.)

The bill was around five times the cost of the average wedding.

Missy said: 'It cost a fortune, but I've always wanted a big wedding and my dad has been saving for ages to pay for it.'

Missy met Thomas at Alton Towers Theme park when she was 13. They continued to date despite her traveller family leaving their trailer park in Stoke-on-Trent every summer to tour the UK while Thomas lived with his parents in Wolverhampton . (I feel bad for saying it, but I'm glad as HELL they aren't American. We get blamed for enough! LOL)
Missy said: 'I just knew he was The One from the beginning. He's perfect.'

Her mother Theresa, 33, who married Missy's father at 16, said: 'I was surprised they wanted to get married so young in this day and age.. But we could see they were madly in love.'

The couple married six days after Missy turned 16 at St Mary's Catholic Church in Congleton-Cheshire.

The bride carried a chrystal bouquet that cost $100000! No fresh flowers for her.

After the ceremony, guests in feathers and crystals enjoyed champagne and an all-day buffet at the reception. Girls as young as nine showed off bikini tops, high heels and make-up. It was a classy affair.
Guest Victoria Docherty, 23, who wore a £700 hotpants and bra outfit, said: 'This isn't unusual - it's just what we do at weddings. It's all very extravagant. Everything is paid for by the bride's daddy.'

Missy and Thomas honeymooned in Turkey before moving into their own $36,000 trailer - a wedding gift from her parents.

(All ha-ha's aside, but does this chick just have a "too damn grown" attitude or what?)

(No. Just...NO! Not the kids with the exposed belly. NO, NO, NO, moms!)

(She should've used some of that train fabric to cover herself.)

(I don't care if she is 25, there is no excuse for this kind of mess)

(All laughing aside, I guess I should be hoping they are happy. I mean, love is love.)

Married Humor

From - who else? - Gwennie! :-)

Married Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes and no.'


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'



Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune.'


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers...

Got this from my niece Gwennie & from the title, thought it was gonna be scary story. In a way... it is!

This one is for everyone who....

a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

Stella Awards

This from my in-box. I had heard of the lady mentioned, but I didn't know about the "awards." Well, that's just more for me to hunt around the Net for!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off
the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a
Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someoe at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcap.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella 's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being
responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch.. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE (...May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

You can't fix stupid...and now it's so profitable.

Blond Joke (Blond - not blonde)...

From my in box. Oh, niece Gwennie, I LOVE you for this!!!

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican Guy and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ' Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

My New Ride

From my friend, Barb, with her crazy self! This Mercedes Maybach is gonna be my new ride...





Yep. That badboy is gonna be parked all up in front of my crib. Soon as I can trade in my CURRENT ride...

One-Liners & More Confucius Say Laughs

Just a gathering of some great one liners...

"Men lie so much, it should be their second language." (Chris Rock)

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." (Bette Midler)

"If God meant us to be naked, He would have made our skin fit better." (Maureen Murphy)

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity." (Chris Rock)

***

And now for Confucius Say:

• Behind every successful man is good woman - and very surprised mother-in-law
• Don't drink & park. Accidents cause people
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew
• A bird in hand make hard to blow nose
• Okay to let fool kiss you, but don't let kiss fool you
• Old bachelor is man who now have money to burn but pilot light gone out
• Old maid is woman who have all answers but nobody asks her questions
• God make universe & rested. He then make man & rested. Next He make woman - nobody has rested since
• Man who open car door for girlfriend reveal one thing: either car is new or girlfriend is
• State of pregnancy exist when woman takes serious something poked in fun
• Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ

Stride Gum Contest

I am now in the running for winning $10k in their contest to name their gum. If you want to get in on it, go over to stridegum.com and submit your idea.

I am taking precautions to show that the name I picked is the name I did indeed pick!

Peace
--Free

Old Ladies

(From my Aunt Johnnie. She is SUCH a mess!)

A mature (over 40) lady
gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman:
Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer:
Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman:
Oh, I see.

Officer:
Can I see your license, please?

Older Woman:
I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.

Officer:
Don't have one?

Older Woman:
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer:
I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Older Woman:
I can't do that.

Officer:
Why not?

Older Woman:
I stole this car.

Officer:
Stole it?

Older Woman:
Yes. And I killed & hacked up the owner.

Officer:
You what?

Older Woman:
His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman & slowly backs away to his car
and calls for backup. Within minutes, 5 police cars
circle the woman's car. A senior officer slowly approaches it,
clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer:
Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle, asking:
Is there a problem, sir?

Senior Officer:
One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car & murdered the owner.

Older Woman:
Murdered the owner?

Senior Officer:
Yes. Could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty space.

Senior Officer:
Is this your car, Ma'am?

Older Woman:
Yes. Here are the registration papers.

(The Senior Officer is quite stunned.)

Senior Officer:
One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag hands over her license.

(The Senior Officer examines it. He looks puzzled.)

Senior Officer:
Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car,
and that you hacked up & murdered the owner.

Older Woman:
Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

Re-directed Advertising

The jokes about Viagra will go on forever. I could have called this "Advertising Reloaded." The email was called "One Smart Boss." It came in this morning from my Aunt Johnnie:

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun. told the burnt out staff that the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme of the contest: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The Top 10:

10 - Viagra, Whaazzz up!

9 - Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.

8 - Viagra, like a rock!

7 - Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 - Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5 - Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4 - Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman (**my favorite!**)

3 - Viagra, Home of the Whopper!

2 - Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1 - This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Ouch Olympics

I got this from my niece Gwennie way last month, but I had to track it down on YouTube so I could post it. I am warning you now, you will wince, grimace, and gasp quite a bit. This falls into that not-funny-but... category.



See: OUCH!

Confucius Say

I KNOW I've seen this before, but when I got the email, I still laughed like a hyena. I have such a childish sense of humor... (Thanks Johnnie!)

Confucius Say...

• Man who run in front of car get tired
• Man who run behind car get exhausted
• Man with one chopstick go hungry
• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
• Baseball is wrong: Man with 4 balls cannot walk
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
• Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget
  

Apples & Wine

This, from my niece Gwen, is the first email that moved me to tears and laughter - all at the same time!

Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but are easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when, in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.

Now men...
men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes,
and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into
something acceptable
to have dinner with!

Real People True Story

This is straight out of an email I got from my dear friend L. today. If you were with me on Being Free way back when I started that blog, you have already been introduced to L. If you remember her, then what happened when she and her kids went on an outing will not surprise you too much (Other than the names, I did not change one single word; I just changed the font...)


Sue and I love to go to open houses. So, last week we had D.D. and were driving toward my house and saw a sign. We followed the open house sign. It was a townhouse style home. We walked up the stairs and tried to open up the door to the right but it was locked so we opened up the door on the left side. We walked in, took off our boots. I made a comment to Sue that I liked the house right away because I saw a big bottle of booze at the front door. So many homes have cookies and coffee that I thought this was a refreshing change. We then proceeded to do what we always do which is critique everything in the house. (During this time I didn't see the agent but figured she might be showing off the bedrooms.) I made comments about the color of the walls, Sue said quite loudly "this place stinks." I reminded her to be a bit more quite with her comments. We then proceeded to the living room where I though they made an effort to make it welcoming and cozy as the big screen T.V. was on. In the living room I noticed some clothes thrown around and wondered why they didn't make more of an effort to clean up. While patiently waiting for the agent I heard a loud male voice "May I HELP you??" I turned around and there stood a man with a towel wrapped around his private parts. I said "Hi! We're here for the open house." (Thought to myself that he's going a bit overboard on making clients feel at home.) He said "I'm NOT selling my home. Your in the wrong house." I was so embarassed while I walked towards him to put my boots on and escape. While I was walking out I said "By the way, I like the color of your walls, bye." Sue and I walked down the flight of stairs laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants. D.D.. said he thought it was horrible embarrassing and will never go to an open house with us again.

**smh** This is why I love L. so!

Boys, Boys, Boys!

This was in a previous email from my niece, "Why Boys Need Parents." I thought this was so cute & I just know there are Moms and Dads out there who will be shaking their head and thinking: "I thought our kid was the only one who..."

Anyway, this is called "Things You Find Out When You Have Sons."

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq ft house 4 inches deep
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies & run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
• A 3 year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear & a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft room
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
• The glass in windows (even double-paned) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh,' it's already too late
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
• A 6 year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old boy
• 'Play-Doh' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence
• Super glue is forever
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
• You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens
• The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy...
• ...It will, however, make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

And, grownups:

80% of women will pass this along to almost all of their friends, with or without kids

80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

Why Boys Need Parents

Another one from my niece. By the way, I'm on a kids kick because of the world hunger campaign I'm involved with via BloggersUnite. When you finish being amazed at how much light & love children bring into our world, go by and check out ways you can help make sure children get fed. This is serious stuff. Bless you!

This little booger, right here... You know he got in trouble (when his Momma quit laughing!)

This reminds me of my nephew, Anthony. Always in trouble about something...

That looks like Grandpa who got splashed, so the little fella probably got off easy!

Oh, Lord! Every mother's nightmare, this one

***shaking my head*** He probably grew up to be a scientist!

This guy grew up & we've all had him as a co-worker. Think about it

Aw-www... Just...awwww. Cute!

Tony Hawk in the making, huh? Wow.

Well, they ARE creative!

Lil' man is gonna GET him some food, no matter what!

**On a serious note, again, folks. We are all smiling over these pics of youthful play and daring. And, if you are like me, you just love the little fella in the icebox there. But I'm gonna remind you again: Don't forget our children who are going to bed hungry each night. Do something, do anything, just help the babies.**

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

From my niece, I got this email on

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking with her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl state that Jonah was swallowed by a whale

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

***

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her class while they were drawing. She would walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat or looking away from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

***

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" they father and mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

***

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought aout this revelation for a while, then said, "Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

***

The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer now,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor now.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, shes' dead now."

***

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing in the upright position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!"

***

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

(You gotta love kids!)

And Then The Fight Started (know you love these)

These are my fave kinda jokes...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust.

....And then the fight started

***

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

...And then the fight started.

***

After retiring, I went in to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked for a driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton our shirt."

I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest if proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

...And then the fight started.

***

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat along at a nearby table.

My wife asked me, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago. I bet she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who'd think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

...And then the fight started.

***

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect."

...And then the fight started.

***

I took my wife to a restaurant and, for some reason, the waiter took my order first.

I told him, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He looked surprised and asked, "Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?"

"Nah," I said. "She can order for herself."

...And then the fight started.

***

A man and woman were asleep like innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The startled woman jumped out of bed and yelled at the man, "Oh, crap! That must be my husband!"

So the man, scared and naked, runs and jumps out the window. He runs through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he can go.

A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom, screaming at his wife, "I AM your husband!"

His wife yelled back, "Oh yeah? Then why were you running?"

...And then the fight started

Generic Viagra? (Warning: not a clean joke)

From Gabby (who still works stuff from this joke into every conversation...You can stop now, Gabs!) LOL

New Generic Name for Viagra

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."

Truth & Humor

Chris Rock is my favorite comedian. Why? Because, through his humor, he shines a light on painful realities. Here's one of my faves. Sad but true - and not true just for black people; every race has their "niggas."



And everybody has felt the pain of racism...



And there is so much truth is this bit that it hurts to even think about it...

Bad to Worse!

I was over at In Between Meals & just HAD to share this one:

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

They always have good funnies over there, go over and get you something to think on!