Pregnant AND Blonde

With apologies to my blonde pals...

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for

joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting

jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great  news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she

was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier

for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She  said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a

TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.

Creative Doormat Greetings

Love these!!!

THIS has to be my all time favorite. I want one NOW!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Bet this'll make ya clutch your skirt!

Somebody's been watching too many "Cops" episodes!

LOL

I'd love one with my puppy's outline. So CUTE!

Some folks REALLY do need this one...

You've been warned by the dog!

...Uh, AND by the cat! LOL

A Fly in the Coffee

Again - from my Aunt Johnnie (I actually DO get emails from other people though! LOL)

 

A fly falls into a cup of coffee:

 

·        The Italian - throws the cup and goes into a fit of anger.

 

 

·         The Frenchman - pulls out the fly and drinks the coffee.

 

·        The Chinese - eats the fly and throws out the coffee.

 

·        The Russian drinks the coffee with the fly.

 

·        The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new a cup of coffee and uses the remaining money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee. 

 

·        The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for having thrown the fly in his coffee, complains to the UN for this act of aggression, receives a LOAN from the European Union to buy a cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then explodes himself in a cafe, where the Italian, French, Chinese, and Russian, are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of coffee to the unfortunate Palestinian.

Married With Humor

From my hilarious Auntie Johnnie. This one is a little risque, but I am sure the married's out there will get a kick out of it!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast.'

 

 Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

 

His wife was NOT amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

 

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

 

  

 

'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

' Cathy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

 

 

 

 

 
She replied with a snicker . 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Where Is God?

So glad this came into my in-box. I'd heard it a long time ago & forgot about it. Too, too funny. (And this time, there is a pic to go with it!)

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

 

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Reunions

This one came in from Aunt Johnnie & I almost spit out my gum! 

COULD IT BE POSSIBLE?? 

MY NAME IS PAULINE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30+ YEARS AGO.  

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.  

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. 

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-A**ED,  GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT @#$ ASKED: "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

***********

(I'm STILL laughing! Boy, we all really are so vain & critical, ay?)

Kids Are Quick

From (again) Aunt Johnnie...

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America.
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria. 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong.
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.  

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:          I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie.  Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right.  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. ...     Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.     

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher 

Awww...Cute!!!

From my Aunt Johnnie... The email was titled: What babies are REALLY thinking!

"Serenity now"

"Cold wipes! Cold wipes!"

"Hey girl. How's it going?"

"Say WHAT???"

"That's right, baby. I still got it..."

"I can't believe this place..."

"Eh... On second thought..."

"Yeah, I just farted."

"Hmmmm.... Is that edible?"

Man, babies are just too stinking cute!!!!

Kids Are 2 Funnee

This came into my email the other day & I almost panicked when I thought I'd deleted it without sharing...

Why Do We Love Children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

 The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

 As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me TALK!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' 

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

Amen to that! LOL

Minorities (according to "Maxine")

I get quite a few emails featuring that hilarious old lady, Maxine. Here is her take on "minorities."

~~~~~~

We need to show more sympathy for these people...

• They travel miles in the heat
• They risk their lives crossing a border
• They don't get paid enough wages
• They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do
• They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language
• They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day - EVERY day

.....I'm not talking about illegal aliens ~ I'm talking about our TROOPS!!!

(Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops???)

~~~~~~~

Remember to pray for and give any support you can to our wonderful men & women in the Service. And don't forget their families!

The Meaning of Words

This is not a "funny" post, but I liked the email so much, I wanted to share it...

LOVE

COMPASSION

SORROW

RESPECT

PAIN

INNOCENCE

DEPARTURE

SOLITUDE

BEST FRIENDS

DIVINE

Cute Pics

I like these so much that when they came in an email, I wanted to print & blow them up for framing. Lovely & good for a smile!

Senior Moments

This came in the other day & I still smile when I see it! I will do a separate post with the cute (and funny) pics they added at the end...

No one believes seniors.  Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: $50,000! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, 2 police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” 

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Been A While

It's been a minute or two since I've posted here, but I have been collecting up a bunch of the best emails coming in to my box. Here's the first of some - Aphorisms: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION  OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. - Like : It could be the right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with sagging distorted tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies)!

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead! (I know this for a fact)

20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones that mind, don't matter.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.