Friday, October 21, 2011

An Elder & the Bank

Got this is an email. Whether it's true or not, it's funny as all get-out. Enjoy!

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client



And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.



Saturday, October 15, 2011

Alcohol Warning Labels


from my email... 
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you 
are whispering when you are not. 
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends 
over and over that you love them.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can 
sing.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a complete idiot.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that friends and ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are 
laughing WITH you.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead to pregnancy.
 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your behind kicked.
 
WARNING: The crunsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Ducky Says...

Thought these were cute (if only because of Ducky!)

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a RELATIVE.


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any LOOSE fitting clothing, I would NOT have signed up in the first place!


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 


Don't argue with an IDIOT; people watching may NOT be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the BIBLE in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
(Another completely brilliant question!!!!)


And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.      
           The closer it gets to the end, the FASTER it goes.


Ain't Scared of Nothing!!!

 (From my in-box)

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on US. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.  

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. 

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit.

I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.  

Something about her body language, and the way she said it, made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.  

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.  

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 Special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.  

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a darned thing!"

Monday, October 10, 2011

New Murphy's Laws

Saw these in an email:

1) Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2) To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3) My road to success is always under construction.

4) Alcohol does not solve any problems,... but if you think again, neither does Milk.

5) It's funny but in order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. (Mark Twain?)

6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.

7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

8) Everyone has a get-rich scheme? Which never works until you cheat.

9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried!

10) He who has the gold, makes the golden rules and those who don't have gold follow them.

11) Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

12) When in a line, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

13) If you have paper, you don't have a pen! If you have a pen, you don't have paper! if you have both, no one calls.

14) You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

15) The door bell or your cellphone will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

16) Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always flow towards the non-smoker.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Facebook Funny

This is very short, but I had to share it because I cracked up when a friend posted it on her wall:

I'm so broke
my bologna has no 
first 
name

Bumper Snickers

(From email, web and seen or overheard)

@CHRISTJESUS.COM

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere 

CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!

If we stop voting, will they all go away?

Another dopeless hope fiend!

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Forbidden Fruits create many Jams!

I don't question your existence - GOD

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Don't follow me, follow Jesus!

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him. 

God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!

God spoke, and BANG! It happened!

God loves you! And I'm trying. 


Men, Men, Men...


One day, my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
 
"It depends," I called back to him. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Dallas Cowboys!"

And they say blondes are dumb?
 
***

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death!

***



Just kidding & just to make you smile. If you have a good spouse, count yourself blessed!