Lotta Laughs

Wow!

2012-01-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

Funny or Mean?

2011-11-26T15:44:00.001-08:00

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

Don't Mess With Seniors!

2011-11-26T15:42:00.001-08:00

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling idiots."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

Quick & Cute

2011-11-13T18:17:00.001-08:00

First posted these "from around the web" funnies over on Being Free. Enjoy!

*Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
(credit to these folks)

*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

*Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone... but then again, neither has milk.

*I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here

*Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
(credit to these folks)

*I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

*I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

*A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

(credit to these folks)

2011-11-12T12:12:00.001-08:00

These are some cool things you can do in Google search (you know, just in case you are incredibly bored & want to waste some time!)

In Google Search, try typing...

do a barrel roll
tilt
askew
what is the loneliest number
recursion

It's great fun. (Some might not work depending on which browser you use)

For more interesting stuff with Google, check out this at Techie Buzz.

For tips on quick searching in Google, go over here at Future Hackers.

You're never to old or too clever to learn more!

Divorce vs Murder?

2011-11-10T08:50:00.001-08:00

From my in-box:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

Under the Influence of Childhood?

2011-11-10T08:45:00.001-08:00

Saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share it here. The source is apparently these folks on Facebook: Laugh, Quotes & Facts. Go on over and show some "Like" love!

Me behave? Seriously?

As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked,

Cinderella arrived home after midnight,

Pinocchio told lies,

Aladdin was a thief,

Batmak drove over 200 miles an hour,

Snow White lived in a house with 7 men,

Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,

Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performans,

and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.

The fault is not mine!

An Elder & the Bank

2011-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Got this is an email. Whether it's true or not, it's funny as all get-out. Enjoy!

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Alcohol Warning Labels

2011-10-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

from my email...

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you 
are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends

over and over that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can

sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

a complete idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that friends and ex-lovers

are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are

laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead to pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting

your behind kicked.

WARNING: The crunsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

Ducky Says...

2011-10-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Thought these were cute (if only because of Ducky!)

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a RELATIVE.

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any LOOSE fitting clothing, I would NOT have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Don't argue with an IDIOT; people watching may NOT be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the BIBLE in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

(Another completely brilliant question!!!!)

And remember:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the FASTER it goes.

Ain't Scared of Nothing!!!

2011-10-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

(From my in-box)

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on US. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit.

I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something about her body language, and the way she said it, made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 Special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a darned thing!"

New Murphy's Laws

2011-10-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

Saw these in an email:

1) Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2) To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3) My road to success is always under construction.

4) Alcohol does not solve any problems,... but if you think again, neither does Milk.

5) It's funny but in order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. (Mark Twain?)

6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.

7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

8) Everyone has a get-rich scheme? Which never works until you cheat.

9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried!

10) He who has the gold, makes the golden rules and those who don't have gold follow them.

11) Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

12) When in a line, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

13) If you have paper, you don't have a pen! If you have a pen, you don't have paper! if you have both, no one calls.

14) You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

15) The door bell or your cellphone will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

16) Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always flow towards the non-smoker.

Facebook Funny

2011-10-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

This is very short, but I had to share it because I cracked up when a friend posted it on her wall:

I'm so broke

my bologna has no

first

name

Bumper Snickers

2011-10-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

(From email, web and seen or overheard)

@CHRISTJESUS.COM

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!

If we stop voting, will they all go away?

Another dopeless hope fiend!

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Forbidden Fruits create many Jams!

I don't question your existence - GOD

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Don't follow me, follow Jesus!

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him.

God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!

God spoke, and BANG! It happened!

God loves you! And I'm trying.

Men, Men, Men...

2011-10-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

One day, my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I called back to him. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Dallas Cowboys!"

And they say blondes are dumb?

***

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death!

***

Just kidding & just to make you smile. If you have a good spouse, count yourself blessed!

Gadget Weary?

2011-09-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted for a while, but this was too cute to let it slide!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1,800 employees; all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven (7) kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids,and 2 great-grandkids could communicate with me in the MODERN way!

I figured I could handle something as SIMPLE as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world!

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation!

I am NOT ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get LOST every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.

I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.

I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes & Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.

I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little LOUD.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.

Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say: "Re-calc-u-lating."

You would think that she could be NICER. It was like she could barely tolerate me.

She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead – well - it was NOT a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she LOVES me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too COMPLEX for me!

They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them.

When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. Us Senior Citizens do NOT need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle!

Logic Test

2011-09-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

(This is an oldie but goodie that I fall for and take every time! Hope you do better than I did...)

These 4 questions test your logic:

#1 - How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

** STOP & think about your answers first**

ANSWER - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

#2 - How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

ANSWER - If you said to open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door... Wrong! The correct answer is.... Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This question was to test your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

#3 - The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. ALL the animals attend... except one. Which animal does NOT attend?

ANSWER - The Elephant. He's in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This question tests your memory.)

Okay, even if you did not answer the first 3 questions correctly,

you still have ONE more chance to show your true abilities...

#4 - There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles. You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

ANSWER - You jump in the river and swim across. Don't worry about the crocodiles. Haven't you been paying attention? All the crocodiles are at the animal meeting! (This question was to test whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS BEWARE . . .

2011-09-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

(Got this in email from a friend & it was a great laugh for the day!)

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, the students and their professor were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, my friends, these are the same kinds of 18-year olds who are now voting in our elections! They breed and walk among us...

New Habits (message from this blogger)

2011-09-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Just want to say that I am trying to be better in my Christian walk & that means cleaning up some of my ways and habits.

I will be more careful about the humor I post. In the past, I have posted some things that pushed the barriers as far as language and morals. I don't want to be a bad example for others. I will still update the blog, but I will be changing to keep things as clean as I can. This goes for my personal daily life as well.

Since I am on the subject, I encourage all my Christian brothers and sisters to take a look at their own lives. We will surely grow and change as we mature in our salvation. Take at look at yourselves and see where you can be a better representation of someone saved by the Lord. If there are things in your daily life that don't reflect a commitment to the Lord, work on getting rid of it.

I recently tweeted about habits. Bad ones are hard to break and good ones are hard to develop. We just need to work on replacing the bad with the good. I am working on my language and prayer life.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to make people smile and be encouraged. I will still try to do that, but I also want to be a reminder of the greatest gift we all have: Salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ.

God bless & keep smiling!

Hilarious "So Long" Card.

2011-05-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

I recently left a job to take another job. One of my co-workers at the "old" job gave me the funniest & sweetest cards I have probably ever gotten:

"I guess this is where I say goodbye.
(At this point, I am really touched)

And I suppose this is where
my eyes get all watery...
(My own eyes started to water up!)

And this is where my throat
starts getting really dry...
("Wow," I'm thinking. "This is so sweet!")

And this is where I start
sniffling...
(I did sniffle a little here)

And this is where a snot bubble
begins to form under my nose...
(At this point, I fall out laughing so loud I had to apologize!)

I'm really gonna miss you!"

Isn't that the greatest? Such a perfect way to say goodbye to someone. You have to know that the person who gave me this card is hilarious & we mostly spent time laughing about anything and everything. Humor helps make any day - especially a WORK day - better.

And, by the way, the gift this amazingly wonderful person gave me was a bottle of wine.

(Thank you, C. You are one of the coolest, nicest people I have ever met & I am going to miss you SO much.)

Peace
--Free

Careful What You Wish For, Pops!

2011-05-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

BLACK & WHITE TV

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said:
"Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa
bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 18-year-old girl.”
Now... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV.
BUT - I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're NOT holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women GREAT? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

Truth for Mature Humans

2011-05-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you DIE.

2. Nothing SUCKS more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to NAP when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font!

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of MY neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at WORK when you know that you just aren't going to do anything PRODUCTIVE for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still NOT know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their BRAIN is also important.

(Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

Guilty Dog?

2011-05-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

The Brick

2011-05-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

THE
BRICK

A young and successful
executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new JAGUAR.

He was
watching for kids darting out from between parked
cars and slowed down when he thought he saw
something.

As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed

the Jag back to
the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry
driver then jumped out of the
car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up
against a parked car shouting,

'What was that all about and who are you? Just what
the heck are you doing?

That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.

Why
did you do it?'

The young boy was apologetic.
'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't
know what else to do.' He pleaded.

'I threw the
brick because no one else would stop...' With tears
dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth
pointed to a spot just around a parked car.

'It's my
brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell
out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him
up.'

Now sobbing, the boy
asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help
me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and
he's too heavy for me.'

Moved beyond words,
the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat.

He hurriedly lifted the
handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,

then took
out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh
scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything
was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless
you,' the grateful child told the stranger.

Too
shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy!
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk
toward their home..

It was a LONG, slow
walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very
noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair
the dented side door.

He kept the dent there to
remind him of this message:

'Don't go through life SO FAST that someone has to throw

a brick at you to
get your attention!'

GOD whispers in our souls and
speaks to our hearts.

Sometimes when we don't have
time to listen.

He has to throw a brick at us. It's
our choice to listen or
not.

Thought for the
Day:

If God had a
refrigerator, your picture would be on
it.

If He had a wallet,
your photo would be in
it.

He sends you flowers
every spring.

He sends you a sunrise
every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about
you!

God didn't promise
days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun
without rain,

but He did promise strength for the
day, comfort for the tears, and light for the
way.

Read this line very
slowly and let it sink
in...

If God brings you to
it, He will bring you through
it.

Childbirth at 65!

2011-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

With all the NEW technology regarding fertility recently,

One of my 65-year-old friends

was able to GIVE BIRTH.

When she was discharged from the hospital

and went home,

I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I eagerly asked.

'NOT yet.' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit

for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the

new baby NOW?'


'NO. Not yet,' she hedged.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again: 'May I see the baby now?'

'NO, not yet,' the new mother replied.
       Growing very impatient,

I asked, 'Well, WHEN can I see the baby??'


'WHEN HE CRIES!' she snapped.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I asked in surprise.


'WHY do I have to wait until he CRIES?'


'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!'

3 Rules

2010-12-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

My Auntie Johnnie is an alumni of Northwood University. She sent this note with one of her emails:

In May, Dr. Dennis McCuistion made the commencement address at Northwood University in Cedar Hill, Texas. McCuistion’s three (3) rules for a successful life and career are very commonsensical. I am still smiling as I read the message:

*********************************************************

Shown below is an abridged transcript of Dr. Dennis McCuistion's address at the May 2010 Northwood University, Texas Campus, commencement. A former bank CEO and the founder of McCuistion & Associates, Dr. McCuistion currently consults with financial institutions and other businesses on TOP management issues and facilitates strategic planning sessions, offers advice on director/CEO issues and serves on boards and audit committees of public and private companies.

The author of three (3) books and hundreds of articles on the banking industry, McCuistion has served as the host and executive producer of the nationally syndicated McCuistion Program, a Donahue-style talk show on PBS, and has appeared on Fox News, other PBS television programs, and ABC, NBC, and CBS affiliates.

Three Rules for a Successful Life & Career

Northwood University – Texas Campus May 21, 2010

Thank you very much President Pretty and members of the administration, faculty, students, and all of you who still owe the money for these students to be here (audience laughter). Thank you very much for coming. I don't think there's a moment in my life in which I have not been involved in some form of education, either in Grade School, High School, College, after college either taking classes or teaching classes, so I'm "sort of" involved with the education business. And I like it a lot.

There's an old saying, which our faculty have heard—I'm not sure that you students have—but it goes something like this, "Those who can, DO. Those who can't, teach."

I've taken that to a new level: Those who can't teach, teach teachers. Those who can't teach teachers, coach. And those who can't coach, go into administration. And as far as I can tell, if they flunk out at that, they either run for the School Board or go up for the Board of Governors...(audience laughter). I'm hoping that that's not really the case. But it could be.

Today I'm going to tell you about some things I think I know.

And I'm also going to quote a guy named Josiah Stamp who said, "It's not what you don't know that'll hurt you. It's what you know that AIN’T so."

So what I'd like you to think about are the things I think I know:

1. Money ain't everything

2. A little education is a dangerous thing

3. You'll always be a freshman in Life

I asked folks, as we were walking in, if they remembered their commencement speaker because I have no idea who my commencement speaker was when I graduated for the first time years ago...so if you think that I think you're going to remember me, you're wrong. If you think I hope you do, you're right. But more importantly, I hope you'll remember one thing I said, whatever that is, it'll be a different thing to each of you, so let's see if we can make that happen.

First of all, "Money ain't everything."

You only need one (1) job. Isn't that right? Just one. And I suspect that many of you already have one. The reason I say that money's NOT everything can be found in a quote from one of the most famous philosophers of all time. Who do you think it is? Aristotle? Socrates? This philosopher is a guy named Woody Allen who says, "Wealth is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons" (audience laughter). I thought he was pretty much right about that.

And so as I got to thinking about this issue—they said they're going to award me a doctor of laws—and so I have, for many years, talked about the laws of money, which I'm going to share with you.

Sutton's Law: Sutton's law goes something like this and it comes from Willy Sutton, the late bank robber who, when asked WHY he robbed banks, simply replied, "Because that's where the money is." That's what Willy Sutton said. That's the first law of money.

Donahue's Law: Donahue's Law says this, "What's worth doing is worth doing for money."
Canada Bill Jones' Law: "It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."
Billings Law (which applies to many of you here and our federal government): "Live within your income even if you have to BORROW to do so." (audience laughter)
Finally Gross's Law: "When two people get together to decide how to spend a third person's money, FRAUD will result." (audience laughter)

The biggest issue that you students are going to have in your lifetime is an issue that my generation has created for you; we have spent money we did NOT have.

We have a $13 trillion federal debt, $50-plus trillion in unfunded liabilities, and we have written checks to OLD people like some of these folks here...and we're going to continue to do so when we are sending the check to you. That is immoral. It is wrong.

But guess what? It's done. You're going to be the ones that'll have to stand up (you're one of the very few college graduating classes who haven't been inundated with "big government" propaganda in your classrooms).

Stand up gentlemen and ladies. You will need to stand up. I promise you, now while money isn't everything, I do believe that a lack of money can create some STRESS...but try NOT to focus on the money as much as what you're trying to do with your LIFE.

And make sure that what you do is something you can be passionate about. And if you can be passionate about it and make money at the same time, you've pretty well got it made.

My second point is this, "A little education is a dangerous thing."

There was a poem that we studied in college, many of you probably studied in college, by a guy named Alexander Pope and it went something like this: "In the beginning," he said, "a little learning is a dangerous thing."

And I say a little education is a dangerous thing...and by that I mean, this: One of the problems that we have is when we learn something, we sort of think we know EVERYTHING. And I think there's NOT a time in your life in which you will be smarter than the day you graduate from college. I know when I graduated from college I was pretty much the smartest person on earth.

I have spent the rest of my life learning how little I know.

Do any of you feel that way? The only difference between you now and when you started in college a few years ago are the books you've read, and the experiences that you've had.

The other thing I'd say about education is this: Travel.

I never got on an airplane until I was twenty-three years of age...Some things have changed folks, some things have changed.

This University started about 1959...and let me tell you the way it was. It's hard for those of us who were here prior to then because prior to that there were NO pre-packaged frozen foods, no Xerox, one credit card, no remote controlled TVs, no ATMs, no contact lenses, no automatic garage door openers, no microwave ovens, and no day care centers.

Not only was that before MP3, it was before CD players, personal computers, fax machines, electric typewriters, laser printers to say nothing of men wearing earrings and women sporting tattoos. Back then, a chip was a piece of wood. Hardware meant hardware and software was a number two pencil.

Back in 1959 cigarettes were not only fashionable but were considered healthy stress reducers. Coke was a soft drink, grass was something you mowed, and heroine the female hero. And getting stoned was a negative biblical experience, that's the way it was in 1959. I'm a big believer in goal setting. A friend of mine, Judy Skelton, gave me a book called How to Get Control of Your Time & Life and because of it I started writing down goals for my lifetime, which I hope you will do. I wrote down two things about 35 years ago. One was "write a book," the other was "go to Europe." I think travel is extremely educational. I'm going to tell you something I know that you don't know is true.

Everything you get on the Internet is NOT factual. I'm going to repeat that in case some of you missed it. Everything you see on the Internet is not factual—that may be the thing you remember from this speech today.

You’ll Always Be A Freshman in Life

Not all education is formal...as Mark Twain said, "Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned, NOT what we've learned." Now before I go to my last point, I'm going to tell you that when I was a freshman I had some interesting times because we didn't have middle schools back in those days. We had grade school and high school...I will never forget being an eighth grader.

In eighth grade you are on "top of the world"...I mean you are "king of the school," whatever the other people want to do, you tell them what to do, when to do it, you're the "king." And then you go to high school and become a freshman and for the first time in your life, you are the LOWEST form of life; NO one likes you, everybody makes fun of you... And then you get to be a senior in high school and you are at top of the world again. You are "king of the hill," you are "queen of the hop."

And then you get to go to college and you become a freshman again. At SMU they made us wear beanies when I was a freshman...that was embarrassing. But then when you get to be a senior in college, you're "top of the heap" like you guys are right now. But then I got out and got my first job and I became a freshman again.

I was working for a bank in Richardson, Texas my senior year in college collecting past due installment loans and I learned the most important lesson I've ever learned educationally in my life: People will LIE to you. I heard the greatest lie ever made. And that is, "The check is in the mail."

The second greatest lie comes from the government and that is, "I'm from the government and I'm here to HELP you." Those are the two greatest lies there are. (audience laughter)

So nevertheless I got to be a loan officer two weeks after I graduated from college and the first guy who came in to borrow money...I forgot to get him to sign the note. I got all these other papers signed but I forgot to get the note signed. Is that embarrassing or what? So I called the guy back (he worked at Texas Instruments) and he...signed the note for me, which was nice of him. The first mistake I made as a loan officer, in my first job...I didn't think I'd ever think about that again.

After I worked for a while, I became a president of the bank. And so consequently I became a freshman again. I did that for a few years and then started my own company as a consultant and became a freshman again. Then I got involved in political issues and became a freshman again. Then somebody said, "You want to talk about these political issues on television?"...and so 20 years ago we started doing this television program, and I was a freshman again.

Ten years ago, the Dallas Morning News wrote an article about...the television program and they asked me, "What's the most embarrassing thing in your business career?" I said I forgot to get the first guy who I ever loaned money to, to sign the note" (audience laughter). That guy is a guy named Cherry Peek and that was almost forty years ago. He read the newspaper and he called me up. I hadn't seen him in forty years. And he said Dennis, I think I am that person.

Ladies and gentlemen, the mistakes you make will NEVER go away, they will never go away (audience laughter). Next Monday night I'll start teaching on a college campus here in the Dallas area...for the first time and I will be a freshman again.

So let me summarize:

1. Money ain't everything

2. A little education is a very dangerous thing

3. You'll always be a freshman

And I'll close with this story. Some of the people in the audience will remember Helen Hayes. Helen Hayes died a few years ago. She lived in Dallas for many years. She was an actress...before the 1950s, wonderful woman. Her mother said to her when she was a child, she said, "Helen you're going to probably do some interesting things in your life, you may or may not be someone who is well known...the important thing in your life is what you achieved, what you set your goals for. And then when have you achieved those goals, if you can achieve something, that's the important thing. She said, "Success is when OTHER PEOPLE recognize your achievement."

For you students, the 2010 graduating class of Northwood, we are here today for one reason—and that is to honor you. We are here to make sure that we recognize YOUR achievement and your success.

All my best to you in the future, thank you very much.

(audience applause)

Maxine's Last Will

2010-12-26T11:27:00.001-08:00

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them:

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my s**t list!

Are They Black?

2010-12-26T11:21:00.001-08:00

A male patient is lying in bed

In the hospital.
He’s wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and is still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his

testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says: 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely...

'Are - my - test - results - back?'

What's That Noise???

2010-12-26T11:18:00.001-08:00

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing!

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

I Owe My Mother

2010-12-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

Auntie Johnnie is at her email again!!!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Top 10 Pet Peeves of Dogs

2010-12-26T11:13:00.000-08:00

Very cute. From my Aunt Johnnie (minus the pics cos I was too late to paste!)

#1...Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

#2...Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

#3...Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out!
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

#4...Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

#5...Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

#6...The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whooooooo Hoooooooo - what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

#7...Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

#8...Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

#9...Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

#10...How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

And a final word:

How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Getting Old

2010-12-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

(Thanks to my brother & sis-in-law for this one. We are ALL starting to feel the weight of the years, but we do thank God for having brought us this far!!!)

$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

READ BELOW !

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today - - -

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Popcorn has always been microwaved.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard, "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel ," or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

A Puzzler

2010-12-12T11:20:00.001-08:00

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
And you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

Inspiring Quotes

2010-12-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

(Let's take a moment to slow down the laughter & do a little thinking...)

Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull pull out when in trouble,

But it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

Do you know why a car's Windshield is so large

And the Rearview Mirror is so small?...

Because out Past is not as important as our Future.

Look Ahead and Move on...

Friendship is like a BOOK.

It takes a few seconds to burn

But it takes years to write.

All things in life are temporary.

If going well, Enjoy it,

They will not last forever.

If going wrong, don't worry,

They can't last long either.

Old Friends are GOLD!

New Friends are DIAMOND!

If you get a diamond,

Don't forget the gold!

Because to hold a diamond, you always need

A base of gold!!!

Often when we lose hope

And think this is the end,

GOD smiles from above & says,

"Relax, sweetheart,

it's just a bend,

NOT the end!"

When GOD solves your problems,

You have faith in HIS abilities;

When God doesn't solve your problems

HE has faith in your abilities.

Worse than losing you eyesight

Is losing your vision!

Worrying does not take away

Tomorrow's troubles...

It takes away today's peace

Oh, Miss Maxine! You a Mess!

2010-12-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

(Oh, how I do love Miss Maxine! Thanks Auntie J!)

"The only thing I stir up in the kitchen is trouble."
"I hate housework! You make the beds, do the dishes and 6 months later you have to do it all over again!!"
"I read recipes the way I read science fiction - I get to the end and think 'Well, that's not gonna happen!'"
"Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture."
"There should be a support group for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty."
"I love a good meal! So I don't cook."
"A household hint: Stop dusting and you can use your coffee table as a message board."
"Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So sometimes I cook something."
"They lied. Hard work has killed lots of people."
"I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; Things I'll never do…"
"Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him."

One Day Employment

2010-12-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

(This is from Maxine - the woman we women love
to love!)

***********

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,

a good find for many retirees.
I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job
a very loud, unattractive,mean-acting woman walked
into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly. ‘Good morning and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there.
Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say.
‘Hell no. they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9,
and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you
think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied. I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,
I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this
line of work.

A Real Man

2010-12-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will

never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never

thought she could do; to live without fear

and forget regret. He will enable her to

express her deepest emotions and give in to

her most intimate desires. He will make sure

she always feels as though she's the most

beautiful woman in the room and will enable

her to be the most confident, sexy,

seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind

Bumper Snickers

2010-10-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

I am NOT an Alcoholic
I'm a Drunk
Alcoholics go to meetings

****************************************
Driver Carries No Cash
He's Married

****************************************
4 Out Of 3 People
Have Trouble With Fractions

****************************************
I Child-Proofed My House
But They STILL Get In

****************************************
Hang Up And DRIVE!

****************************************
The Shortest Sentence Is "I Am."
The LONGEST Is "I Do."

****************************************
Where The Heck Is
Easy Street???

****************************************
Guns Don't Kill People
Drivers With CELLPHONES Do

****************************************
Jesus is coming
Look Busy!

Dead Duck?

2010-10-27T21:39:00.001-07:00

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

You Can't Fix Stupid

2010-10-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

(Supposedly, these are all real/true)

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had NO clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried; asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,

'I just gave him some ant killer...'

Dispatcher: 'RUSH him in to emergency!'

This is touching

2010-10-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

(Not the usual humor stuff, but I got this from a friend the other day & thought you might enjoy)

Everyone Can Be in Your Front Row

Everyone Can't Be in Your Front Row
Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.
Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front
row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need
to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you LET GO,
or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention
to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones
discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are
going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have DRAMA or don't really
understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will
become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be
moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can
change the people you are around! Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment
and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

'Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level,
doesn't mean you sink to theirs!'

Church Signs

2010-10-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

(Thanks to Aunt Johnnie for these. I always get a little smile when I see them):

The best vitamin for a Christian is... B1

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.

Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Life is hard. Afterlife is harder.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?

Paraprosdokian Sentences

2010-10-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

(If you are like me, you've never heard this word or have no idea what it means. I looked it up & from the Online Encyclopedia: A `paraprosdokian` is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. Now we both know!)

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to DIE peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. NOT screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

WAR does NOT determine who is right -- only who is LEFT.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are SO smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the FALL of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do NOT need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive TWICE.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can NOT buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, WHY do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

(There are more of these at hallford's Blog)

Why Men Wear Earrings

2010-10-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Getting Married In Heaven

2010-10-10T13:52:00.001-07:00

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "YES." he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

Bubba

2010-10-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

(Don't know why folks like to make fun of us Southerners, but I was laughing too hard to be offended.)

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, “Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.”

The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them for you.

The woman thought to herself, “Oh, no! NOT Bubba; he's an idiot!”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Okay, what did he name the girl?”

“Denise,” the doctor answers.

The new mother says, “Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name ‘Denise.’”

What did he name the boy?"

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

Spousal Q & A

2010-10-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely NOT!"

WIFE: "WHY not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "OKAY, OKAY… I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: slaps forehead

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

2010-10-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

(I am never quite sure if these kinds of stories are REALLY true... smh)

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area in Kansas. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.   The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport in Birmingham, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'   He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'   She's a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving Texas Instruments due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a?"   Would you pronounce it: Leah?? NO. Lee - A?? NOPE. Lay-a? NO. Lei? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Missouri. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha." When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent.

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

2010-10-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.’

‘How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's NO charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.’

‘You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.’

‘I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

Wait for it...

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

'Good' Ol' Days!

2010-10-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

Comments made in the year 1955!

(That's 55 years ago!)

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible
To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '

'When I first started driving,
Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
I see where a few married women are having to work
to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone To watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the BEST
people to congress.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is NO sense going to Lincoln
or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Caught Without Makeup

2010-09-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

First, let me say that I'm not sure how authentic the photos in this post are.
Second: I HOPE they are for real!
LOL

Here's why: we "regular" women (and young girls) have these "glam" gals splashed all over television and mags, making us feel like we should be doing more. More to stay thin and flawless.

Well, I just LOVE these "caught" pics. For years I have reminded myself that I am perfectly okay with the way I look. That I don't need to be "camera ready" to function in this world. Yeah. That's what I TOLD myself - meanwhile, I was trying to buy every skin and hair product that these celebs were pushing. Until...

One day - not sure when, but I should have marked it on a calendar - I saw a "caught" pic of Oprah. She was not "camera ready," I can promise you that. Matter of fact, I am surprised that she hasn't SUED the photographer. In the pic, "Queen Oprah" looked like... she looked like... lemme see how to put this: she looked like James Brown on a REALLY bad day. That hair was jacked all kinds of up, her eyes were all squinchy-looking, and her lips were so chapped I bet I could have scratched an itch with them.

That was my wake-up day. The day I realized that ALL women could be Vogue material - IF we had private chefs, botox docs on call and a private fleet of make-up and hair artists on hand. Not to mention having and endless supply of tailor-made clothes...

If you haven't had your wake-up call, I present you with...

According to Wikipedia, this woman is 42 years old. She's not awful, but she is "regular," like the rest of us.

Miss Anna here is 29 yrs old. Wow. I don't think she is that hot in the "after" pic, but that "before" shot? Whoo... Looks like she is headed to jail or rehab or something.

I don't know WHAT to say about Pam. She was SO freaking beautiful at one point.

When did she go from amazing to hard-looking to... THIS? (She is 43) Come to think of it, she looks rather young in the "before" pic...

I have to say, I don't think Britney looks too bad here. I never thought she was physically beautiful, but all I see wrong in her "before" pic is needing a shampoo. And I kind of like her. She still just seems like a sweet kid out of her element. (age: 28)

This young lady is 22. I never really thought much of her, but in the "after" pic, the hair is way too dark. Young girls should see that she's really got nothing much on the average young woman.

If this pic of Cameron (age 38) is for real, well - she should just be ashamed. Looking like the Joker. That before & after is not just good makeup - that is a dang optical illusion...

Penelope Cruz is so freaking cute that even her "before" pic makes me jealous! LOL. She is 36 yrs.

It's so wrong & petty of me, but I don't like anything about this chick. Guess that's why I like having this "before" pic up here! LOL (Age: mine - 5yrs old; her's 35)

Let me pause here a moment & say something before I put up this last pic: I've heard the talk about folks selling their souls to Satan for fame. I might not believe that, but I am starting to believe that Satan has SURELY bought the soul of whoever did Goldie's makeup. How else to explain the difference???

I have always LOVED Miss Goldie, but good gracious - in the before pic she looks like a tobacco farmer who's halfway through gender reassignment! I want to go so far as to say that she looks like Ron Woods of the Rolling Stones, but the blonde hair distracts me. C'mon Goldie! 64 is NOT that old for the average women using Oil of Olay from Walmart. I know you have access to lotion and sunscreen!!!

Lemme quit meddling & being mean before my heart starts to look as bad as some of these pictures!

Question of the Day...

2010-09-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

Question: Should children witness childbirth???

Answer: ...

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mom Heidi pushed & pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded...

(Now, don't forget what the question was...)

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his butt again!"

{My answer??? Heck yeah! What joy would the world be without all the little Kathleens??!!!}

Good Thoughts

2010-09-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my Auntie J for passing along these GOOD THOUGHTS!

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited...
Until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.

It is easier to PREACH ten sermons
Than it is to LIVE one.

When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.

If God is you Co-pilot,
swap seats!

Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

The Will of God
never takes you
to where the
Grace of God
will not protect you.

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man
until he is dead,
So why should you?

Peace starts with a smile.

You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him

Coincidence
is when God
chooses to remain
anonymous.

Prayer:
Don't give
God instructions,
just report
for duty!

Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

The task ahead of us
is never as great
as the Power behind us.

God doesn't
call the qualified,
He qualifies
the called.

(And THIS - my all-time fave - must have been written for ME!):

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Women... Sheesh!

2010-09-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

(What's so funny to me about this one is that my husband would probably feel the same way! LOL)

My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please...

Dear Abby...

2010-09-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

“DEAR ABBY” ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS FOR AN ANSWER TO THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language, and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is HIS.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking JUDO. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now - how do I get OUT?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home SOBER.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

God's Problem Now...

2010-09-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

This is one of the cutest jokes I have heard in a long time. Made me laugh out loud. Maybe I've been watching too many of those episodes of "Keeping Up Appearances." (And in case you want to check that out, I did a separate post with one of the episodes. I couldn't figure out how to do anything but post the vid! LOL)

God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there."

Early Retirement: Season 3, Episode 1, Part 1

2010-09-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

This is one of my FAVE shows.

Don't Mess With Old Folks!

2010-09-06T19:55:00.001-07:00

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room.

But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know WHY the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'Standard Rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them," I said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to PAY.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I DIDN’T!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, TOO BAD. She was here, and you could have."

Deer or Dear?

2010-09-06T19:53:00.001-07:00

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find FRANK sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Hey Man, how LONG you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie her up and handcuff her to the bed... and I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want!'

“SO… HERE I AM."

Ol' Fred

2010-09-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

(Auntie J - you KNOW you are wrong for this one! LOL)

Ol' Fred had been a Faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note.

Then suddenly died!

The preacher thought it best NOT to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my Oxygen Tube!"

Moral Giggles?

2010-09-06T19:36:00.001-07:00

The teacher gave her 5th Grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a MORAL at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.”

“She SHOT 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the KNIFE, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her BARE HANDS.”

''Good Heavens!' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the MORAL to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

How Many Words Is A Photo Worth?

2010-09-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

After a night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so cute when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear, "That's ME before the surgery."

Artfully Funny?

2010-09-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

(A little on the risque side, this one!)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that the couple was having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how the painting depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?"

"Now why would YOU claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are NO African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Only in Texas

2010-09-06T18:59:00.000-07:00

I was born in Texas. Didn't spend a whole lotta time there, but I still think of it as "home" (usually when I am mad at the Alaska weather!) Here's a little humor and random info, all about Texas...

*****

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas:

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas;
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

*****

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas

Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos in July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008!
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20,1969, was "Houston ," but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time.
King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1,500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities: Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin.
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument.
The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females).
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

*****

"Everywhere" in Texas! (Places to be found in the state):

(Feel good Texas)

Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

(Love the sun?)

Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

(Wanna eat?)

Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Pearland, Texas 77581
Orange, Texas 77630
And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

(There without leaving Texas!)

Detroit, Texas 75436
Cleveland, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Pittsburg, Texas 75686
Newark, Texas 76071
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462
Pasadena, Texas 77506
Columbus, Texas 78934

(Outside & inside Texas)

Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Dublin, Texas 76446
Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Italy, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas 75801

And a whole buncha others:

No need to travel to Washington D.C. - Whitehouse,   Texas    75791

We even have a city named after our planet! - Earth, Texas    79031

We have a city named after our state - Texas City, Texas    77590

Exhausted? - Energy,   Texas    76452

Cold? - Blanket, Texas    76432 and Winters, Texas 79567

(Like to read about History?)

Santa Anna,   Texas 76878
Goliad,   Texas 77963
Alamo,   Texas 78516
Gun Barrel City,   Texas 75156
Robert Lee,   Texas 76945

Need Office Supplies? - Staples,   Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space? - Venus, Texas   76084 and Mars,   Texas   79062

You guessed it. It's on the state line - Texline, Texas    79087

(For the kids...)
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

(Other city names in Texas , to make you smile)

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City - Kilgore, Texas 75662

(More faves)

Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75147
Ding Dong, Texas
West, Texas (it’s in Central Texas )
and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas 79347

In Troubled Times

2010-09-06T18:41:00.001-07:00

This is a lil mean, but still a smiler!

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1.. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2.. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4.. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

A Little Humor

2010-09-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some short & cute funnies. Mostly, I love the humor of little kids... (Thanks, Auntie J!)

*****

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your Mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

*****

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.& nbsp; Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his Mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do", his Mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

*****

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her Father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

*****

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School Teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

****

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday School Teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

*****

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday School Teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

*****

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

LOL. Big smiles!

Pastor's Business Card

2010-08-25T12:35:00.001-07:00

(Thanks Auntie J) This has been around for a long time, but still cute.

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

They still are!

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

Over 40 Folks!!!

2010-08-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please!   Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

(Just to keep it straight here: I was only NINE years old in 1970, so... LOL)

The Middle Wife

2010-08-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

(Thanks, Auntie J. This is a cute keeper!)

The 'Middle Wife'
by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Not the Usual

2010-08-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

When I see a funny video, I usually just giggle and move on. There have been a few standouts, tho. This is one of them. It's SO funny to me because it's becoming commonplace for reality show "stars" to try to leapfrog their momentary "fame" into long term celebrity. Well, if for no other reason than the should-be-ashamed factor, this chick here from Real Housewives of New Jersey has made a mark!

And while I'm at it - let's torture ourselves and remember this one from another "housewife."

And, what the heck! Let's gander at ANOTHER one of these desperate-for-attention gals!

Whew! What was it Bugs Bunny used to say: "That's a stinker!"

To be fair... THIS version of Staub's song is SO much better. I don't know why in the world, she let that other version loose...

OK, I might have to give Staub the Biggest Stinker Award for the first version, but that second one... Kind of nice. (I still don't get the whole celeb-reality stardom thing...)

Man Down!!!

2010-08-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look more beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

Hot Out?

2010-08-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Cute...

How in the WORRRRLD

2010-08-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

How do people get in these jams...

For this last one, look at what's going on with the windshield of the red car...

(I'm not sure I wanna know how this happened...)

Good One!!!

2010-08-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

Got this from Auntie J. Don't know if it's true or not. If it is, this young lady has a great sense of humor and creative way of making her point!!!

LOL... TOO funny. And I just LOVE her expressions.
By the way - she emailed all 33 photos to the ENTIRE office!!! (Wonder if that boss of hers still has a job, or is he able to devote ALL his time to Farmville! LOL)

1978 vs 2010

2010-08-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

LOL - Another one of those emails that contrasts priorities. (And for the young people snickering at us Oldsters... Just wait, your time is coming!)

    1978: Long hair
    2010: Longing for hair

    1978: KEG
    2010: EKG

    1978 : Acid rock
    2010: Acid reflux

    1978: Moving to California because it's cool
    2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

    1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

    1978: Seeds and stems
    2010: Roughage

    1978: Hoping for a BMW
    2010: Hoping for a BM

    1978: Going to a new, hip joint
    2010: Receiving a new hip joint

    1978: Rolling Stones
    2010: Kidney Stones

    1978: Screw the system
    2010: Upgrade the system

    1978: Disco
    2010: Costco

    1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

    1978: Passing the drivers' test
    2010: Passing the vision test

    1978: Whatever
    2010: Depends

If I Have to Feel Old, I'm Taking YOU With Me!

2010-08-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

(From Auntie J)... I just LOVE stuff like this because it puts things in perspective...

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!