Signs of the Funny

SIGNS

(In a Toilet)
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.   PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

(In a Laundromat)
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT!

(In a London department store)
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS!

(In an office)
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN!

(In an office)
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD!

(Outside a secondhand shop)
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.   WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

(Notice in health food shop window)
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

(Spotted in a safari park)
ELEPHANTS - PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

(Seen during a conference)
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

(Notice in a farmer's field)
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

(Message on a leaflet)
IF YOU CANNOT READ THIS, LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS!

(On a repair shop door)
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)!

HEADLINES

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says!  (

Really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers! (

Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. (

What a guy!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant. (

See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace. (

I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile. (

Ya think?!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. (

They may be onto something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (

Do they taste like chicken?)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (

Boy, are they tall!)

You, The Wife & The Mistress (& other crazy news)

Item 1: Bad enough this guy gets busted cheating on his wife, but it gets worse when the wife and the mistress team up on his behind. It would be funny if it wasn't so... Never mind. It's funny. You know it, I know it, and one day the guy will look back & admit it too!

Item 2: My aunt from down in Texas was cracking on Alaska a little the other day (you know, we got the crazy granny guv & the rampaging moose and all...), so I am gonna have to pass this bit of news on to her (as if she hasn't seen it!). Message: At least our Girl Scouts are safe from Palin and the moose. (On a side note, these kids were bringing in some serious dough. Maybe I should be out selling Girl Scout cookies. Can you do that without troop membership?)

Item 3: I have been known to laugh at people wearing all that plastic and horse to make their hair look somehow better, but it looks like this lady should be happy to wear a weave for the rest of her life! This would be funnier if it wasn't kinda scary. I mean the man DID shoot at her. That sista might not ever go without having a pack of Yaki on hand! I bet she should have herself sitting up in church on Sunday, praising the Lord for the weave business...

Last Item: Okay now. This one isn't funny - not one damn bit funny, but I had to pass it along since it is definitely "quirky" in its way. The stimulus bill is going to help THIS GUY out when he hardly needs help, but my broke a** can't even afford to file bankruptcy??? (I know this is an unintended effect of the bill, but, dang... Can't us broke folk catch a break somewhere?)

I have to get outta here now. I need to find out how to sign up for some Girl Scout cookies or to get on the list of women Paul Allen finds irresistible. Maybe I can be his maid or official briefcase carrier or something. Somebody with that much money has got to have a need for another flunky!