His'n & Her'n

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.
There's no need to remind him about it every 6 months!
Sheesh!

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is.
He's going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.


NASA's robot Curiositu landed on Mars.
Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars...

I once won an argument with a woman...
in this dream I had.



If your wife or girlfriend ever asks:
"If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, 
which of my friends would you pick to join in?"
Never give 2 names.

It is so funny that
when my girlfriend gives me the
"silent treatment,"
she thinks it's a punishment.

Toot Toot Toot

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a  good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

Bad Boy!

Childbirth: Should children witness childbirth? Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, Heidi, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted Connor by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help.

He asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed...

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his butt again!"

SENIOR DRESS CODE

(From my Auntie Johnnie Mae!)

Many of us 'Old Folks' (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 


     1. A nose ring and bifocals  


     2. Spiked hair and bald spots 


     3. A pierced tongue and dentures 


     4. Miniskirts and support hose  


     5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads  


     6. Speedo's and cellulite 


     7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar  


     8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 


     9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 


     10. Bikinis and liver spots 


     11. Mini skirts and varicose veins 

     And,  Most importantly…  

     At  some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE'  shorts  

Peace
--Free

Signs of the Funny

SIGNS

(In a Toilet)
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.   PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

(In a Laundromat)
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT!

(In a London department store)
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS!

(In an office)
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN!

(In an office)
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD!

(Outside a secondhand shop)
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.   WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

(Notice in health food shop window)
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

(Spotted in a safari park)
ELEPHANTS - PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

(Seen during a conference)
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

(Notice in a farmer's field)
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

(Message on a leaflet)
IF YOU CANNOT READ THIS, LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS!

(On a repair shop door)
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)!

HEADLINES

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says!  (

Really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers! (

Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. (

What a guy!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant. (

See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace. (

I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile. (

Ya think?!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. (

They may be onto something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (

Do they taste like chicken?)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (

Boy, are they tall!)

Say It Ain't So!

Like you probably do, I get all kinds of funny emails. I usually laugh at and wonder if the information is true. I got the following email the other day and, in this case, I want to think someone is just poking fun:

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' our country is in trouble! 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.  (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  
He replied, "Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!''

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map...''

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that...

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.  (I was dying laughing).  I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. Senator John Kerry's aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked,  ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.

"Oh, no I don't.  I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

"Yes, what flights do you have?''

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply?  ''Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.''

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.  Like manure, you just gotta spread it around...

They Walk Among Us!

(As promised - more silliness from the email inbox)

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take  it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read:  'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***

 I stopped at McDonald’s and ordered some fries. The girl behind the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

***

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... "Look at that dead bird!"

Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving’...

***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

***

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch!  The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"..... (Some of us work with professionals like this.)

***

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

***

Yeah, you're laughing now, but we've all have our bonehead moments. Just remember - we walk among the rest!

The Walking Dumb

(from email, of course. Thanks Barb!)

New York resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A   Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut

B) An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) A Car

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines. The 50/50. answers,  A and D, were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger: an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend." Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon? 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans.”How sure are you?" "Duh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, "The Moon." Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life!

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath - and was told that she was  wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, "The Moon."

Caution...they walk among us!

Funny or Mean?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

Divorce vs Murder?

From my in-box:


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

An Elder & the Bank

Got this is an email. Whether it's true or not, it's funny as all get-out. Enjoy!

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Alcohol Warning Labels

from my email... 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you 
are whispering when you are not. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends 

over and over that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can 

sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

a complete idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that friends and ex-lovers

are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are 

laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead to pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting

your behind kicked.

WARNING: The crunsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

Ducky Says...

Thought these were cute (if only because of Ducky!)

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a RELATIVE.

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any LOOSE fitting clothing, I would NOT have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 

Don't argue with an IDIOT; people watching may NOT be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the BIBLE in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

(Another completely brilliant question!!!!)

And remember:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.      

           The closer it gets to the end, the FASTER it goes.

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS BEWARE . . .

(Got this in email from a friend & it was a great laugh for the day!)

You, who worry about  Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, the students and their professor were discussing the  qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple.  The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, my friends, these are the same kinds of 18-year olds who are now voting in our elections!  They breed and walk among us...

Man Down!!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 

 "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look more beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

Good One!!!

Got this from Auntie J. Don't know if it's true or not. If it is, this young lady has a great sense of humor and creative way of making her point!!!

LOL... TOO funny. And I just LOVE her expressions.
By the way - she emailed all 33 photos to the ENTIRE office!!! (Wonder if that boss of hers still has a job, or is he able to devote ALL his time to Farmville! LOL)

Why Sharks Circle...

Another from Auntie Johnnie...

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."  And they did.

"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"NOW we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, WHY didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

Now you know WHY Sharks Circle You Before Attacking!

Ghetto Spelling Bee

(Auntie Johnnie Mae: We should be ashamed of ourselves, but I'm posting this. I know some folks are going to be mad, but... this is just funny!)

Ghetto Spelling Bee

Tyrell came home from school disappointed.  "I HATE English, them teachers are always changing stuff". 

Mother:  "Tyrell, have you been using BAD words and writing dirty notes again?"

Tyrell:  "Naw, momma, I swear I didn't.  I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher said, but the teacher, she gave me an "F". 

*****

HOTEL  - My Momma said that she ain't gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.

HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.

PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you just said but OMELETTE it go dis time.

STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points and my coach say, "DATA boy."

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"

DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."
 
DECIDE - My boy fronting like he love his girl but everybody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE.

***

Yeah, I know - that's just WRONG!

Pregnant AND Blonde

With apologies to my blonde pals...

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for

joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting

jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great  news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she

was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier

for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She  said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a

TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.

Awww...Cute!!!

From my Aunt Johnnie... The email was titled: What babies are REALLY thinking!

"Serenity now"

"Cold wipes! Cold wipes!"

"Hey girl. How's it going?"

"Say WHAT???"

"That's right, baby. I still got it..."

"I can't believe this place..."

"Eh... On second thought..."

"Yeah, I just farted."

"Hmmmm.... Is that edible?"

Man, babies are just too stinking cute!!!!