Quick & Cute

First posted these "from around the web" funnies over on Being Free. Enjoy!

*Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
 (credit to these folks)

*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

*Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone... but then again, neither has milk.

*I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here

*Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
(credit to these folks) 

*I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

*I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

 

*A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

(credit to these folks)

Alcohol Warning Labels

from my email... 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you 
are whispering when you are not. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends 

over and over that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can 

sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

a complete idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that friends and ex-lovers

are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are 

laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead to pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting

your behind kicked.

WARNING: The crunsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

Bumper Snickers

(From email, web and seen or overheard)

@CHRISTJESUS.COM

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere 

CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!

If we stop voting, will they all go away?

Another dopeless hope fiend!

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Forbidden Fruits create many Jams!

I don't question your existence - GOD

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Don't follow me, follow Jesus!

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him. 

God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!

God spoke, and BANG! It happened!

God loves you! And I'm trying. 

Bumper Snickers

I am NOT an Alcoholic
I'm a Drunk
Alcoholics go to meetings


****************************************
Driver Carries No Cash
He's Married

****************************************
4 Out Of 3 People
Have Trouble With Fractions

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I Child-Proofed My House
But They STILL Get In

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Hang Up And DRIVE!

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The Shortest Sentence Is "I Am."
The LONGEST Is "I Do."

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Where The Heck Is
Easy Street???

****************************************
Guns Don't Kill People
Drivers With CELLPHONES Do

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Jesus is coming
Look Busy!

Paraprosdokian Sentences

(If you are like me, you've never heard this word or have no idea what it means. I looked it up & from the Online Encyclopedia: A `paraprosdokian` is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. Now we both know!)


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 I want to DIE peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. NOT screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

WAR does NOT determine who is right -- only who is LEFT.

 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are SO smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the FALL of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do NOT need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive TWICE.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can NOT buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, WHY do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  


(There are more of these at hallford's Blog)

One-Liners & More Confucius Say Laughs

Just a gathering of some great one liners...

"Men lie so much, it should be their second language." (Chris Rock)

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." (Bette Midler)

"If God meant us to be naked, He would have made our skin fit better." (Maureen Murphy)

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity." (Chris Rock)

***

And now for Confucius Say:

• Behind every successful man is good woman - and very surprised mother-in-law
• Don't drink & park. Accidents cause people
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew
• A bird in hand make hard to blow nose
• Okay to let fool kiss you, but don't let kiss fool you
• Old bachelor is man who now have money to burn but pilot light gone out
• Old maid is woman who have all answers but nobody asks her questions
• God make universe & rested. He then make man & rested. Next He make woman - nobody has rested since
• Man who open car door for girlfriend reveal one thing: either car is new or girlfriend is
• State of pregnancy exist when woman takes serious something poked in fun
• Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ