Such A Disaster!

(Aunt Johnnie done done it agin!)

Amazing photos show great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings....

One can only imagine the horror of  the occupants inside those buildings.

 

  

 

Probably scared the crap out of them!

heh heh

Funny or Mean?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will

never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

 

He will inspire her to do things she never

thought she could do; to live without fear

and forget regret. He will enable her to

express her deepest emotions and give in to

her most intimate desires. He will make sure

she always feels as though she's the most

beautiful woman in the room and will enable

her to be the most confident, sexy,

seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

 

It’s wine that does all that.......

 

Never mind

You Can't Fix Stupid

(Supposedly, these are all real/true)

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)


TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had NO clue to what had just happened.


THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. 

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!



 FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried; asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,

'I just gave him some ant killer...'

Dispatcher: 'RUSH him in to emergency!'

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

(I am never quite sure if these kinds of stories are REALLY true... smh)

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know.  I already got that side.'  This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'  We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area in Kansas. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.   The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'  


IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport in Birmingham, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'   He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'   She's a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving Texas Instruments due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun.  We should do this more often.'  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.  A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a?"   Would you pronounce it:  Leah??  NO.  Lee - A??  NOPE.  Lay-a?  NO.  Lei?  Guess Again.  This child attends a school in Kansas City, Missouri. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced "Ledasha."  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent.

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

 She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.’

‘How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's NO charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.’

‘You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.’

‘I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

Wait for it...

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

How Many Words Is A Photo Worth?

After a night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 

"No, no, no!  You are so cute when you're jealous!" she answers. 

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

 She whispers in his ear, "That's ME before the surgery."

In Troubled Times

This is a lil mean, but still a smiler!


During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1.. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2.. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4.. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

Pregnant AND Blonde

With apologies to my blonde pals...

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for

joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting

jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great  news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she

was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier

for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She  said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a

TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.

(From Gwennie & it's so funny that I just changed the "bad" words and posted it anyway!)

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right *%#& number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong ' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an moron!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'moron' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I ' d call him up and yell, "You ' re an moron!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic moron calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an moron!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the moron ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first moron (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW moron, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When ' s a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an moron!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two morons to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Moron #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an moron!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Moron, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, moron," and hung up.

Then I called Moron No. 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, moron."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I 'll kick your tail,"

I answered, "Well, moron, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two morons beating the snot out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

Ouch Olympics

I got this from my niece Gwennie way last month, but I had to track it down on YouTube so I could post it. I am warning you now, you will wince, grimace, and gasp quite a bit. This falls into that not-funny-but... category.



See: OUCH!

Apples & Wine

This, from my niece Gwen, is the first email that moved me to tears and laughter - all at the same time!

Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but are easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when, in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.

Now men...
men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes,
and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into
something acceptable
to have dinner with!

Funny Or Mean?

I usually do not make fun of the way people look, but I was over at Oddee and saw their 20 Ugliest Celebrities... Okay. Not all those folk look so bad to me, but this one just about scared the crap outta me:

Oh. My. Word.

As I understand it, this guy, Shane MacGowan is not only physically unattactrive, but has a personality to match. I'm just saying what I HEARD, y'all. I HEAR that he was thrown out of a band for "unprofessional behavior." Whatever. I just found him to be one of the oddest looking people I have ever seen.

The strangest person on the Oddee list was that lady Jocelyn Wildenstein. I mean, she didn't start out looking the way she does - she pulled a Michael Jackson and willingly had surgeries to get that look. Damn. (And don't even get me started on MJ. I used to be so in love him back in the "Ben" and "Dancing Machine" days...)

But, yeah, I do feel a little mean for cracking on that Shane guy. After all, he was born with his looks - and he must have some inner beauty for pursuing a musical talent. But Michael and Jocelyn... For shame.

The other folks on the list aren't really all that bad (or at least not by any fault of their own). They just have the usual problems we all worry about when getting a picture taken: bad angles, bad hair, bad makeup, poor lighting - or in Amy Winehouse's case, poor choices. I can get mad at her. All that damn talent and no common sense...

Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I promise to try being much nicer. I will try to not make fun of people for their looks. Not because I'm such a nice lady, but because they do it so much better over at C & D. You will make yourself sick laughing at their take on the folks here and here. You might not be proud of yourself, but you will laugh.

If I Gotta Get In Trouble....

If I'm in trouble for laughing at the little gospel-singing kid, I might as well be in deeper trouble.

Actually, I was in the room with church-going folk when I first saw this video & they all laughed a lot harder than I did. (Okay, they didn't laugh any harder, but church folk are just a little louder than us holiday service people.) I could only find this as shown on Bloopers, but I remember watching the actual show when it happened.

When you watch this one, tell me who you think is funnier - the singer or the two hosts who are wetting themselves in laughter...