Little Boys

This is why I don't really want a man who has grown all the way up!

Under the Influence of Childhood?

Saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share it here. The source is apparently these folks on Facebook: Laugh, Quotes & Facts. Go on over and show some "Like" love!

Me behave? Seriously?

As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked,

Cinderella arrived home after midnight, 

Pinocchio told lies,

Aladdin was a thief,

Batmak drove over 200 miles an hour,

Snow White lived in a house with 7 men,

Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,

Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performans,

and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. 

The fault is not mine!

Logic Test

(This is an oldie but goodie that I fall for and take every time! Hope you do better than I did...)

These 4 questions test your logic:

#1 - How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

** STOP & think about your answers first**

ANSWER - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

#2 - How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

ANSWER - If you said to open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door... Wrong! The correct answer is.... Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This question was to test your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

#3 - The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. ALL the animals attend... except one. Which animal does NOT attend? 

ANSWER - The Elephant. He's in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This question tests your memory.)

Okay, even if you did not answer the first 3 questions correctly,

you still have ONE more chance to show your true abilities...

#4 - There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles. You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

ANSWER - You jump in the river and swim across. Don't worry about the crocodiles. Haven't you been paying attention? All the crocodiles are at the animal meeting! (This question was to test whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

I Owe My Mother

Auntie Johnnie is at her email again!!!

 

 
1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.  "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.  "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.  "Stop acting like your father!" 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.  "Just wait until we get home." 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.  "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.  "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.  "Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:  

 

25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you

Dead Duck?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

 

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

 

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

 

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

 

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

 

 

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

 

 

 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."