Childbirth at 65!

 

    

With all the NEW technology regarding fertility recently,   One of my 65-year-old friends   was able to GIVE BIRTH.     When she was discharged from the hospital     and went home, I went to visit.   'May I see the new baby?' I eagerly asked.   'NOT yet.' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit   for a while first.'   Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the    new baby NOW?'         'NO.  Not yet,' she hedged.       After another few minutes had elapsed,     I asked again: 'May I see the baby now?'     'NO, not yet,' the new mother replied.        Growing very impatient,       I asked, 'Well, WHEN can I see the baby??'          'WHEN HE CRIES!' she snapped.           'WHEN HE CRIES?' I asked in surprise.            'WHY do I have to wait until he CRIES?'                  'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!'

 

 

Maxine's Last Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them:

 

 

 

 

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and  fluids from a bottle.

 

 

 

 

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' 

 

 

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. 

 

They are  SO on my s**t list!

I Owe My Mother

Auntie Johnnie is at her email again!!!

 

 
1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.  "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.  "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.  "Stop acting like your father!" 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.  "Just wait until we get home." 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.  "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.  "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.  "Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:  

 

25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you