Two For Giggles!

(In a Crowded Library)

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? 

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh...

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? 

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . That's Absurd!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. 

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

###

(Grandpa Calm)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3year-old grandson. 

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. 

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long, easy, boy.” 

Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."  

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." 

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grand-father is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and NO matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." 

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little sh*t's name is Kevin.” 

His'n & Her'n

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.
There's no need to remind him about it every 6 months!
Sheesh!

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is.
He's going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.


NASA's robot Curiositu landed on Mars.
Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars...

I once won an argument with a woman...
in this dream I had.



If your wife or girlfriend ever asks:
"If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, 
which of my friends would you pick to join in?"
Never give 2 names.

It is so funny that
when my girlfriend gives me the
"silent treatment,"
she thinks it's a punishment.

Bubba

 (Don't know why folks like to make fun of us Southerners, but I was laughing too hard to be offended.)

Bubba's  pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer  pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about  her baby.

The doctor replied, “Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.”

The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them for you.

The woman thought  to herself, “Oh, no!  NOT Bubba; he's an idiot!”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,  “Okay, what did he name the girl?”

“Denise,” the  doctor answers.

The new mother says, “Wow! That's a  beautiful name, maybe  I was wrong about my brother.  I really like the name ‘Denise.’”

What did he name the boy?"

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

Spousal Q & A

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely NOT!"

WIFE: "WHY not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "OKAY, OKAY… I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: slaps forehead

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

 She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.’

‘How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's NO charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.’

‘You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.’

‘I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

Wait for it...

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Women... Sheesh!

(What's so funny to me about this one is that my husband would probably feel the same way! LOL)

My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please...

Deer or Dear?

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's  wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are upset that he can't go, but what can  they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find FRANK sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Hey Man, how LONG you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

 "Well, I've been here since yesterday.  Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair  and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off and  she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. 

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.  The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes.  She told me to tie her up and  handcuff her to the bed... and I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want!'

“SO…   HERE I AM."

Man Down!!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 

 "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look more beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

Hot Out?

Cute...

Married With Humor

From my hilarious Auntie Johnnie. This one is a little risque, but I am sure the married's out there will get a kick out of it!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast.'

 

 Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

 

His wife was NOT amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

 

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

 

  

 

'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

' Cathy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

 

 

 

 

 
She replied with a snicker . 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Reunions

This one came in from Aunt Johnnie & I almost spit out my gum! 

COULD IT BE POSSIBLE?? 

MY NAME IS PAULINE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30+ YEARS AGO.  

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.  

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. 

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-A**ED,  GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT @#$ ASKED: "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

***********

(I'm STILL laughing! Boy, we all really are so vain & critical, ay?)

(From Gwennie & it's so funny that I just changed the "bad" words and posted it anyway!)

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right *%#& number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong ' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an moron!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'moron' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I ' d call him up and yell, "You ' re an moron!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic moron calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an moron!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the moron ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first moron (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW moron, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When ' s a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an moron!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two morons to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Moron #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an moron!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Moron, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, moron," and hung up.

Then I called Moron No. 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, moron."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I 'll kick your tail,"

I answered, "Well, moron, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two morons beating the snot out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

Some 'Splaining To Do...

(One of my FAVES & it's from Gwennie Poo)

Sex In The Dark:

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break her husband out of this crazy habit.

So, one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she managed to reach over and turn on the table lamp.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful, and larger than the real thing...

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly...

...

...

...

"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."


(Well, now damn.)

Married Humor

From - who else? - Gwennie! :-)

Married Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes and no.'


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'



Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune.'


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

And Then The Fight Started (know you love these)

These are my fave kinda jokes...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust.

....And then the fight started

***

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

...And then the fight started.

***

After retiring, I went in to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked for a driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton our shirt."

I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest if proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

...And then the fight started.

***

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat along at a nearby table.

My wife asked me, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago. I bet she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who'd think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

...And then the fight started.

***

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect."

...And then the fight started.

***

I took my wife to a restaurant and, for some reason, the waiter took my order first.

I told him, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He looked surprised and asked, "Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?"

"Nah," I said. "She can order for herself."

...And then the fight started.

***

A man and woman were asleep like innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The startled woman jumped out of bed and yelled at the man, "Oh, crap! That must be my husband!"

So the man, scared and naked, runs and jumps out the window. He runs through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he can go.

A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom, screaming at his wife, "I AM your husband!"

His wife yelled back, "Oh yeah? Then why were you running?"

...And then the fight started

Lies, Lies, Lies - Yeah!

Got this in the in-box this morning. Subject line: "Never lie to a woman."

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer.

**wait for it...wait for it**

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

And Then The Fight Started (yes, again!)

Such amusing emails that get passed around. Already told you how I love these...


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside..

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go..

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started....

 ****

 I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

Hee hee...Bring it on!