New Murphy's Laws

Saw these in an email:

1) Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2) To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3) My road to success is always under construction.

4) Alcohol does not solve any problems,... but if you think again, neither does Milk.

5) It's funny but in order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. (Mark Twain?)

6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.

7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

8) Everyone has a get-rich scheme? Which never works until you cheat.

9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried!

10) He who has the gold, makes the golden rules and those who don't have gold follow them.

11) Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

12) When in a line, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

13) If you have paper, you don't have a pen! If you have a pen, you don't have paper! if you have both, no one calls.

14) You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

15) The door bell or your cellphone will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

16) Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always flow towards the non-smoker.

Over 40 Folks!!!

 If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!   

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! 

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!    

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

And car seats - oh, please!   Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  
See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

(Just to keep it straight here: I was only NINE years old in 1970, so... LOL)

1978 vs 2010

LOL - Another one of those emails that contrasts priorities. (And for the young people snickering at us Oldsters... Just wait, your time is coming!)

    1978: Long hair   
    2010: Longing for hair

    1978: KEG
    2010: EKG

    1978 : Acid rock
    2010: Acid reflux

    1978: Moving to  California  because it's cool
    2010: Moving to  Arizona because it's warm
 
    1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  
    1978: Seeds and stems
    2010: Roughage

    1978: Hoping for a BMW
    2010: Hoping for a BM

    1978: Going to a new, hip joint
    2010: Receiving a new hip joint

    1978: Rolling Stones
    2010: Kidney Stones

    1978: Screw the system
    2010: Upgrade the system

    1978: Disco
    2010: Costco

    1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

    1978: Passing the drivers' test
    2010: Passing the vision test

    1978: Whatever
    2010: Depends

If I Have to Feel Old, I'm Taking YOU With Me!

(From Auntie J)... I just LOVE stuff like this because it puts things in perspective...

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

•     The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.
•     They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
•     Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
•     Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
•     The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
•     They have always had an answering machine.
•     They have always had cable.
•     They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
•     Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
•     Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
•     They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
•     They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
•     They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
•     They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
•     They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
•     McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
•     They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

    Do you feel old yet? Have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!