Senior Moments

This came in the other day & I still smile when I see it! I will do a separate post with the cute (and funny) pics they added at the end...

No one believes seniors.  Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: $50,000! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, 2 police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” 

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

What You Give A Woman...

I was checking out the new Google Reader Play (a cool way to surf round the web) and first thing I see just CRACKED me UP:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of s**t

Men -  Y'all paying attention?

Married Humor

From - who else? - Gwennie! :-)

Married Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes and no.'


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'



Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune.'


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

Apples & Wine

This, from my niece Gwen, is the first email that moved me to tears and laughter - all at the same time!

Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but are easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when, in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.

Now men...
men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes,
and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into
something acceptable
to have dinner with!

Lies, Lies, Lies - Yeah!

Got this in the in-box this morning. Subject line: "Never lie to a woman."

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer.

**wait for it...wait for it**

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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

Understanding Women

Got this from my aunt & while I've heard some of these jokes before, most were new to me. I'm still laughing...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee... Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.  

WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding  items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..' 

 

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the  root, and still be afraid of a spider. 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the  aisles. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.  So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.  (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

  

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' 

    

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. 

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

 

 

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

 

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS' 

THE SILENT TREATMENT 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about  to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

 

** God may have created man before woman, but there is always  a rough draft before the masterpiece **

Men vs Women (Yes, Again!)

A friend told me where to find this one. I excluded the parts that were already in the first list I posted on... So funny, yet true:

Differences Between Men and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.