Awww...Cute!!!

From my Aunt Johnnie... The email was titled: What babies are REALLY thinking!

"Serenity now"

"Cold wipes! Cold wipes!"

"Hey girl. How's it going?"

"Say WHAT???"

"That's right, baby. I still got it..."

"I can't believe this place..."

"Eh... On second thought..."

"Yeah, I just farted."

"Hmmmm.... Is that edible?"

Man, babies are just too stinking cute!!!!

Kids Are 2 Funnee

This came into my email the other day & I almost panicked when I thought I'd deleted it without sharing...

Why Do We Love Children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

 The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

 As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me TALK!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' 

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

Amen to that! LOL

Minorities (according to "Maxine")

I get quite a few emails featuring that hilarious old lady, Maxine. Here is her take on "minorities."

~~~~~~

We need to show more sympathy for these people...

• They travel miles in the heat
• They risk their lives crossing a border
• They don't get paid enough wages
• They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do
• They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language
• They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day - EVERY day

.....I'm not talking about illegal aliens ~ I'm talking about our TROOPS!!!

(Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops???)

~~~~~~~

Remember to pray for and give any support you can to our wonderful men & women in the Service. And don't forget their families!

The Meaning of Words

This is not a "funny" post, but I liked the email so much, I wanted to share it...

LOVE

COMPASSION

SORROW

RESPECT

PAIN

INNOCENCE

DEPARTURE

SOLITUDE

BEST FRIENDS

DIVINE

Cute Pics

I like these so much that when they came in an email, I wanted to print & blow them up for framing. Lovely & good for a smile!

Senior Moments

This came in the other day & I still smile when I see it! I will do a separate post with the cute (and funny) pics they added at the end...

No one believes seniors.  Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: $50,000! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, 2 police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” 

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Been A While

It's been a minute or two since I've posted here, but I have been collecting up a bunch of the best emails coming in to my box. Here's the first of some - Aphorisms: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION  OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. - Like : It could be the right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with sagging distorted tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies)!

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead! (I know this for a fact)

20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones that mind, don't matter.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

What You Give A Woman...

I was checking out the new Google Reader Play (a cool way to surf round the web) and first thing I see just CRACKED me UP:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of s**t

Men -  Y'all paying attention?

Progress...

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009:

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009- School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
***********************************

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
*********************************

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
*********************************
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
  ****************************************    
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 
*******************************************
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.    AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.        Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 
********************************************
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.  Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
**********************************************
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Kids....

I haven't posted here in a looooong time, but just got these kiddie laughs in an email from my buddy Trysha. I was eating fruit while reading the email & dang near snorted out some pineapple. Too cute, these:

Why We Love Children:

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move.'

********************************

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'

*******************************

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

*********************************

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy'

*********************************

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,

as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.'

**********************************

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'

****************************************

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

*****************************************************

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

*************************************

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

*******************************************

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the
boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

********************************************

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're
gonna get hair on your Twinkie.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.' 

(BTW: I think I'll pick #4 as my favorite.)