Outta The Mouths of Babes!

Got this from my friend Barb this morning and thought it was too cute not to share:

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!!

•  JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"  
  
• MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.."  
• STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."  
• BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?  
• SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."  
• D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"  
• MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"  
• CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
• JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"  
• TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"  
• The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
  

Too Funny for Me

I just finished watching an old Cedric the Entertainer DVD where he introduces up & coming (in '05 anyway) comics. The new comics were okay, but it was Cedric who almost made me wet myself. Talking about giving praise for when Venus & Serena Williams finally got rid of those dang beads they used to wear: "Thank You, Lord. Ama-say, Amu-sah, Amaku-sah" (or whatever is in that old Michael Jackson song)... Cracked me up. Then I saw this amusing chick - who proved she could be "clean" AND funny:



Now that I have completed my day (I laughed, I cried, I got tired), I'm giving it up for the night.

Give Praise (When You Finish Laughing)

I love this site because their jokes are clean (and hilarious). Go over and check them out. In the meantime, here is the Choir Proficiency Test I saw. I'm going to tell ALL the church this one!

Before joining the choir, the director hands you this questionnaire which has been carefully developed by experts to find out how proficient you are. Read and reflect on each situation. Give the answer that you think will most enhance the quality of the performance.


Question 1

As you enter the choir loft on Sunday morning, you suddenly trip and fall. You should:

a. Either remain prone or assume a kneeling position. Break into fervent prayer.

b. Pretend you've had a heart attack.

c. Wave your arms in the air and begin speaking in tongues.

d. Crawl to the nearest chair.


Question 2

You show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

a. Climb into the back row from the baptistery.

b. Enter pretending to be a soundman. Check some cables, then suddenly slip your cute little self in with the rest of the choir.

c. Turn out all the lights and slip into the choir during the blackout.

d. Read Michael Cunningham's pamphlet, "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."


Question 3

You are a soprano, but have trouble counting. Consequently, you boom out high C one measure too soon. You should:

a. Glide right into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."

b. Gaze triumphantly at the rafters and hold that note.

c. Stop abruptly, mid squawk, but keep your lips moving.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.


Question 4

During the hymn, you discover that you have only one of the two pages. You should:

a. Hum like your life depended on it.

b. Sing, "Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon" in a harmonizing key.

c. Remove one shoe and use your toes to try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack.

d. Sing the first page over again.


Question 5

When the inevitable big sneeze comes near the end of the Christmas cantata, you should:

a. Stomp hard on your neighbor's foot just as you sneeze to create a diversion.

b. Do your best to make the honk harmonize.

c. Muffle the sound by sneezing into the hair of the choir member in front of you.

d. Sink to the floor in shame.


Your Results

Tally the number of a's, b's, c's and d's. Proficiency ratings are as follows:

4 or more a's: You will make a first rate choir member.

4 or more b's: Your choir reflexes are fully developed. You will do well in choir.

4 or more c's: Your choir experience is spotty; however, your team spirit is way up there. You will be an asset to the choir.

4 or more d's: The recommendation is that you take another direction, give up choir aspirations and take up something like soccer or group therapy.

Men vs Women (Yes, Again!)

A friend told me where to find this one. I excluded the parts that were already in the first list I posted on... So funny, yet true:

Differences Between Men and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

I'm Stealing Again!

I went and stole this from Crunk & Disorderly (that chick's gonna kick my a** one day!).

All I can say after watching this brother work it out is I never wanted to be as much woman as he is!... I noticed - after he'd changed into the red jacket - that Hot Pants here only has about 3 moves, but I thought he was going to throw something out of joint when he did that little back-popping move.

As my old friend Ken would say: "Chile!"

Dance, Dangit! Just DANCE!

A little bit down when I got up this mawnin' (that's how the old folks used to say it!) so I decided to cheer myself up. If any of you are like me, nothing chases away the blues like some good music - and I do mean nuthin', not alcohol, not food, not sex, gossip or self-pity. There is nothing like music. I KNOW this is why God gave us music.

So, here's some of what I'm listening to today. (And if you are disappointed that I've got no jokes, tough. Just get off your butt and dance with me!)

Go on, Sista Estefan, tear it up!

Best Dance Videos

I love to dance, but I'm not a great dancer so I love to watch other people dance. This is one of my favorite dance videos. I first saw it over a year ago, but just know found it again over on YouTube. You know we all did one or two of these moves...

The Poor, Poor Kids of the 80's....

Once again - from my in-box. This one came from my niece (who always LOVES to rant about the difference in our generations!):

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill.... barefoot… BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! ...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

On A Serious Note

This is gonna be kinda serious, but I want to tell you about something that happened to me & why I think it's important to smile when you make eye contact with a stranger. It doesn't cost you a thing.

The other day, when I was waiting for my sister to finish her therapy session, I was sitting across from two ladies - one elderly, one 30-ish. The rehab where my sister goes is for people who've suffered strokes, blindness, amputations (like my sister, a double leg amputee), etc. The other patients are of all ages, races and backgrounds. The two ladies I saw this day seemed to be speaking in an eastern European language. The younger woman seemed concerned and caring in her attitude toward the older lady - the way a daughter would be. She paid very little attention to the me or the other people. The older lady seemed a little nervous and overwhelmed. She kept looking around at everything and she sneaked a lot of glances at me.

Let me mention now that I was the only black person in the waiting area. At first, I wanted to be offended. I was thinking stuff like, "What, you never saw someone so dark before?" And I thought about staring back. Then I realized how childish I was being. So I smiled, nodded and said, "Hi." The woman smiled back, very shyly and nodded back without saying anything. The younger lady looked away from the television to glance at me. She looked at her mother, said something I couldn't understand, then went back to watching television.

I went back to my magazine or whatever and then I left to use the restroom. When I came back, the two ladies had left the waiting room. An hour or so later, the two of them came out of the therapy room followed by my sister. I was too busy gathering my sister's coat and purse and such to pay the other women much attention until I felt someone touching my arm. I turned around and there was the old lady. She smiled at me and, coached (I guess) by the younger woman whispering to her, she carefully announced, "Goodbye. I will see you."

"Bye," I said. "See you later."

She nodded and smiled and went away chattering to her companion.

So, you are saying, "Yeah, so what?"

Nothing. I just wanted to share that with you because it reminded me of what my mother tried to teach me about being kind. She had the idea that you should be kind even to strangers because you never know what your kindness (or lack of) might mean to someone. Basically, Mom realized that some people are going through their days stressed out, depressed - whatever - and that small kindnesses can make such a big difference. I have no idea what that lady from therapy is going through. She has no idea what I and my sister have been through. It doesn't matter. We shared smiles and common human courtesy of acknowledging each other without malice. That's huge.

So, please share your smiles. Lord knows there is enough misery and meanness and hatred and ignorance out there in the world. Times are hard & people are hurting. A smile may not do much, but I doubt it can do harm.

**getting off soapbox**

That's all.

Those Darn Teamsters...

From my in-box, another from my auntie Johnnie Mae:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules"

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

hee hee