Progress...

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009:

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009- School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
***********************************

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
*********************************

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
*********************************
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
  ****************************************    
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 
*******************************************
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.    AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.        Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 
********************************************
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.  Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
**********************************************
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Kids....

I haven't posted here in a looooong time, but just got these kiddie laughs in an email from my buddy Trysha. I was eating fruit while reading the email & dang near snorted out some pineapple. Too cute, these:

Why We Love Children:

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move.'

********************************

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'

*******************************

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

*********************************

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy'

*********************************

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,

as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.'

**********************************

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'

****************************************

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

*****************************************************

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

*************************************

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

*******************************************

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the
boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

********************************************

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're
gonna get hair on your Twinkie.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.' 

(BTW: I think I'll pick #4 as my favorite.)

Tailgater

This is a good reminder for all of us who profess to be Christians... (from Gwennie)

TAILGATER

A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake.You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker ,the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School ' bumper sticker,and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.

Moral of the story: Beware the fake christian, they are everywhere.

(From Gwennie & it's so funny that I just changed the "bad" words and posted it anyway!)

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right *%#& number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong ' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an moron!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'moron' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I ' d call him up and yell, "You ' re an moron!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic moron calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an moron!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the moron ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first moron (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW moron, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When ' s a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an moron!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two morons to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Moron #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an moron!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Moron, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, moron," and hung up.

Then I called Moron No. 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, moron."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I 'll kick your tail,"

I answered, "Well, moron, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two morons beating the snot out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

Good Old Days???

Don't know where my 21 yr old niece got these, but they were in an email called "Now I know why they called them the 'good old days' " She was pretty tickled when I told her how her great grandma just HAD to have at least one Coca-Cola to start her day off & later on we heard that there was cocaine IN Coca-Cola... She thought that was hilarious. These are funny!

(46% Alcohol, 1 1/12 grains Opium - to each fluid oz...
& they give dosage instructions for babies 5 days old, 2 wks old, 5 yrs. Adults get a whole Tsp!)

("Instantaneous Cure!" I'll just bet!)

(I had to look close at this one to see the "Cocaine" at end of first line...)

(Some more of that Alcohol & Cocaine curative!)

(Quinine & Cocaine. I don't think the quinine matters!)

(LOL. Know how they won the medals!)

(Boy - they LOVED that Coca Wine, didn't they?)

(*smh* Wow. Good Old Days indeed...)

Gotta Do Whatcha Gotta Do

From my niece Gwennie. This is hilarious & just goes to show that people will figure out a way around almost ANYthing...

(I'd laugh, but I've ridden in cars ALMOST as bad!)

(But not THIS bad)

(Oh my...)

(Now THIS is just too much. Are they really that shallow???)

(I can see the lightbulb going off for the men out there. Guys - DON'T try this at home!)

(I, uh, I just don't, uh... *sigh*)

(Uh, EWWW)

(LOL)

Grandmas Don't Know Everything!

This from my sis-in-law. We both cracked up over it. We are a family that's lucky to have wonderful grandmas!

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

So Happy 2B Back!

Can you tell I've been spending 2 much time on Twitter? With all the shorthand stuff? LOL. Well, I HAD to do something fun while my PC was in the shop. Got my baby back 2day and decided to name her "BeBop the PC." Why? Cause if she breaks down on me again, I'll probably bebop her right into the trash!

Anyway... I am catching up on downloading good stuff from my email & the first batch of funny pics are in from my niece Gwennie. They kinda speak for themselves. Enjoy! (I captioned above them just in case you couldn't read the ones on the pics. I know, I know, I wear glasses myself!)

The cat made this look easy...

"You give me half the fish, and I'll tell my mom to let you live"

"I hope that fireman asks her out soon. This is getting old!"

"Dude, stand up. It's only like 3 inches deep"

Too cute. I promise to have more soon. (Thank you, Gwennie Poo!)

Tech Support Woes

My PC is still in the shop & I don't want to store & transfer pics on my nephew's PC, so I haven't been posting here as much. But... From Gwennie Poo, I got this in my in-box. No pics so it's easy to share.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah… that one does work.

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Twitter

In case you haven't checked it out yet, Twitter is a great place for you. If you like humor, there are folks over there who will have you rolling on the floor. If you like cooking, poetry, music - whatever - there are like-minded people using Twitter.

I just wanted to point that out because I hear so many people saying that they "just haven't joined" yet.

Let me tell you something: Don't be worried about learning how to Twitter. The people you meet are so cool, they will tell you every and anything you want to know without making you feel bad. The best thing is, the variety of people you can meet. I have shared info and smiles with people of every race, belief, and any other kind of persuasion you can think of. I think that's what I love about Twitter: I am connecting with people I might not otherwise have the opportunity to even be exposed to. You can exchange thoughts and ideas and laughs with hustlers, mommies, daddies, scientists, writers, comedians, rich folk, poor folk, famous and not-famous folk. Whatever and whoever. I bet you can find somebody favorite to talk to.

So... You need to get over there and jump into the conversation - whichever conversation you like!

Peace
--Free

(I'm there & if you want to hit me up: http://twitter.com/FreeBeing)