This is touching

(Not the usual humor stuff, but I got this from a friend the other day & thought you might enjoy)

 

Everyone Can Be in Your Front Row

Everyone Can't Be in Your Front Row
Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.
Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front
row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need
to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you LET GO,
or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention
to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones
discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are
going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have DRAMA or don't really
understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will
become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be
moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can
change the people you are around! Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment
and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

'Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level,
doesn't mean you sink to theirs!'

Church Signs

(Thanks to Aunt Johnnie for these. I always get a little smile when I see them):

The best vitamin for a Christian is... B1

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.

Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Life is hard. Afterlife is harder.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
 

Paraprosdokian Sentences

(If you are like me, you've never heard this word or have no idea what it means. I looked it up & from the Online Encyclopedia: A `paraprosdokian` is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. Now we both know!)


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 I want to DIE peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. NOT screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

WAR does NOT determine who is right -- only who is LEFT.

 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are SO smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the FALL of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do NOT need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive TWICE.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can NOT buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, WHY do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  


(There are more of these at hallford's Blog)

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is  curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods  him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Getting Married In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
    
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
    
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
    
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
    
Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "YES." he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."
    
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
  
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

Bubba

 (Don't know why folks like to make fun of us Southerners, but I was laughing too hard to be offended.)

Bubba's  pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer  pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about  her baby.

The doctor replied, “Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.”

The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them for you.

The woman thought  to herself, “Oh, no!  NOT Bubba; he's an idiot!”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,  “Okay, what did he name the girl?”

“Denise,” the  doctor answers.

The new mother says, “Wow! That's a  beautiful name, maybe  I was wrong about my brother.  I really like the name ‘Denise.’”

What did he name the boy?"

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

Spousal Q & A

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely NOT!"

WIFE: "WHY not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "OKAY, OKAY… I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: slaps forehead

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

(I am never quite sure if these kinds of stories are REALLY true... smh)

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know.  I already got that side.'  This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'  We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area in Kansas. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.   The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'  


IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport in Birmingham, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'   He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'   She's a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving Texas Instruments due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun.  We should do this more often.'  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.  A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a?"   Would you pronounce it:  Leah??  NO.  Lee - A??  NOPE.  Lay-a?  NO.  Lei?  Guess Again.  This child attends a school in Kansas City, Missouri. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced "Ledasha."  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent.

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

 She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.’

‘How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's NO charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.’

‘You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.’

‘I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

Wait for it...

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

'Good' Ol' Days!

Comments made in the year 1955!

(That's 55 years ago!)

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible
To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price,  
I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,  
Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '

'When I first started driving,  
Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,  
It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?  
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..  
I see where a few married women are having to work
to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone To watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes.  
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the BEST
people to congress.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,  
But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is NO sense going to Lincoln
or Omaha anymore for a weekend,  
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'