Potty Humor

Warning: this might be slightly offensive, but it made me laugh way too hard.

In the midst of all this coronavirus madness - people trampling the stores like it's Black Friday and buying out tissue as if it's never going to be produced again - I have kept my cool. Even though I have a compromised immune system, I have just continued taking my normal precautions: staying away from anyone who might be sick with anything contagious; keeping myself away from anyone when I have something contagious; washing my hands properly; keeping my environment as clean as I can, etc.

Because other people are in panic mode, I do worry that tissue will be at a shortage. So, I am taking a clue from my French brothers and sisters. I went looking for a portable bidet. I found and read reviews and information for several. It was when I was reading the info for one in particular that I laughed so hard, I thought I would need that bidet immediately.

I started laughing so hard that I literally had to walk criss-cross legged to the bathroom before I had an accident.

People, don't let this COVID-whatever make you forget that we cannot live in fear. Take care of yourself, take all the normal precautions, be safe. Most of all, don't lose your sense of humor.

Peace
--Free

Lemme Just Rewind That...

Since my insomnia has me up and wide awake for the moment, I thought I would share something funny that happened to me recently. It goes to show how affected we are by the technology we use so much...

I rarely sit and watch television. I use the computer for most news and entertainment. However, when I do sit on the couch to watch television, I am nosy and distracted. My living room window gives a view of everyone leaving or entering our apartment building.

When I was watching Netflix on my TV today, I was also being very Gladys Kravitz and taking note of the comings and goings of the residents. If I missed something happening on the TV show, I would just do quick a rewind. There happened to be a lot of activity around the building today so I was doing a lot of rewinding.

At one point, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone pulling a small wagon full of plants up to the building. By the time I turned to look though, I couldn't see who was bringing in the plants. As you might know from reading my other blogs, I LOVE plants. Love, love, love them. I was dying to know who had somehow gotten a whole wagon full.

Now, this is where it gets weird because, for a full second (or maybe even two), I considered rewinding... uh, life? I seriously gave it some thought before I realized that I can't control life the way I control Netflix!

That was a sign to me that I needed to turn off the TV and stop window-gazing. It also reminded me of this:

Peace
--Free

How Hot Is It?

I posted these two clips on Being Free recently and just had to share them here. If you have never watched the movie, you must! Biloxi Blues is so funny that all these years later, I crack up whenever I think of these scenes. I even added another scene here that I forgot to share on the other blog.

And this last one is not appropriate for children...

I said on my other blog that, in this movie, Broderick reminds me of a young Jerry Lewis.

Peace
--Free

And Then the Fight... Didn't Start

This is something different for this blog. It's hilarious, but it's a video. It's a series of videos. I think you will love it if you are in any coupled-up relationship.

I just stumbled across this video but could not stop watching after the first 10 minutes. He's so funny that I laughed until my stomach ached. The humor is one thing but he shares so much truth. I wish I had seen this video years ago.

By the way, the speaker is Mark Gungor. He's a pastor - but don't freak out my non-Christian friends - his focus here is more on marriage than anything. This is his page. Enjoy and tell others about the videos.


Peace
--Free

Re-posting a Funny

Re-posting a Funny
I've been laid up for several days and letting a bunch of scheduled posts take care of the BeingFree blog. However, I was looking over some old posts and wanted to share this. And I know that I've been neglecting Lotta Laughs...

This is a paste/copy of a post from June 2006 of something so hilarious that my sisters-in-law and I still laugh about it. I wish I knew where it originated. Please enjoy.


For My Lady Blogger Buddies

Okay - and the guys too. Anyone who wants to laugh. No post today, so enjoy this. It was given to me yesterday when I went to lunch with my office family. I'm surprised we weren't kicked out of the place. I'm not sure who wrote it, but YOU WILL LAUGH. (It's a little long...)

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my "honey pot" and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, my "man magnet". Which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My

LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Kooter? Sealed shut! Ass?? Sealed shut! Both sealed tighter than

Fort Knox!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to Shit! My head may, quite frankly, just pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your ass and nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -

"So girlfriend, my ass and "kitty" are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking your ass and crotch?" She must be reveling in humor and wants me to repeat it for her enjoyment.

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your "man-hole" girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on my cooch, and

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! Looking like an Osama Bin Laden goatee!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt.


Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!

Peace
--Free

Pinterest Makes Me LOL

When I am down (and that happens quite a bit), I sometimes like to go over and cruise through the giggles at Pinterest. There's always something there to make me smile or seriously laugh out loud. My problems don't disappear but, for five or ten minutes, I can think about something other than my health, loneliness, medical bills, and other bills. In other words, I get a little break from "adulting".

Just in case any of you are feeling less than joyous right now, I thought I'd share the latest giggle-pins.

I love these and when I share them, I tell folks to tag their best friend:

Then there are those days when I just cannot deal with life...

One of my nieces was having this kind of week at work. I'd love to have a job to complain about again.

Doing my IF diet works but it ain't always easy, but I bet I burned some calories laughing at these...

And then, there are all the other giggles that helped me get through a bad half an hour...

Hope you smiled for a few minutes.

Peace
--Free

The Plant Lady (that's me)

The past few months I've been collecting plants. It's a cheap way to beautify a living space and it's great for my mental health.

Of course, I've been yakking to my friends and family about my growing plant collection, and I've been posting a ton of plant photos and Pins on my social media.

Last night before bed, I was scrolling through Pinterest for plant info and ideas and ran across this:

I went ahead and posted it, but I'm still not sure how I feel about being a plant lady.

Anyway, here's some more plant humor from the wonderful Pinterest community.

And my favorite of all:

I'm getting some of those planters!


Peace
-Free

Olden and Golden

Realized after doing the Valentine's post that I've been neglecting Lotta Laughs, Sorry and here's something to make it up to loyal visitors:

          And, finally, my favorite one.....

Please, Lord, let this be (a young) me someday

Peace
--Free

(Belated) Valentine's Day Giggles

I didn't want to post this on Valentine's Day because it would have seemed petty. The first Instagram post I saw yesterday was by the friend of a relative. Obviously, like me, she is single. Her post was about calling other single women to share their hate or the day. That wasn't the funniest part. It was the hashtags that made me giggle. This was the best: #pinoitforbreakfast.

So, here's some ha-ha's for the single folk who had to survive yesterday.

Source

Source

Source

Source

Remember, singles, Valentine's is just another day and another way for retailers to get your money. For those of you who are coupled up, remember that it's only one day out of the year; be thankful for your mate all 365 days.

Peace
--Free

Because I'm Now A Keto Babe

I've switched my life over to a low-carb/high-fat eating regimen. It's called the keto (ketogenic) diet. I'm losing weight and feeling better, but it's hard to explain the regimen to people. Humor always helps, so....



Sugar, processed food, and grains are out!



I only craved certain things & the craving lasted about 12 days. Mostly, I was mourning my Almond Joy coffee creamer.



Giving up bread wasn't that hard for me. For people who really, really miss breads, there are low-carb alternatives to loaf bread and mix products like Bisquick.

I initially did an "egg fast" (all eggs all the time with a little mayo and butter) for four days. Lost so much weight, I decided to go whole keto!

 I used to do this:











Now, I do this:


And I get to eat a lot of "Fat Bombs". Cream cheese and chocolate and lemon and .... all kinds of fat bombs

 



And I quit my Almond Joy sugar-laden coffee creamer for Bullet Proof Coffee:




I add whole heavy cream to mine for more flavor and heavier frothing. And I make mine strong so I get a lasting fix.



By the way, if you are curious at all about the Keto diet, there is a Keto Summit starting on Sept 25 and running thru Oct 5th. Check it out. If you want a quick rundown, check out Pinterest for Keto info.

Peace
--Free