Hilarious "So Long" Card.

I recently left a job to take another job. One of my co-workers at the "old" job gave me the funniest & sweetest cards I have probably ever gotten:

"I guess this is where I say goodbye.
(At this point, I am really touched)

And I suppose this is where
my eyes get all watery...
(My own eyes started to water up!)

And this is where my throat
starts getting really dry...
("Wow," I'm thinking. "This is so sweet!")

And this is where I start
sniffling...
(I did sniffle a little here)

And this is where a snot bubble
begins to form under my nose...
(At this point, I fall out laughing so loud I had to apologize!)

I'm really gonna miss you!"

Isn't that the greatest? Such a perfect way to say goodbye to someone. You have to know that the person who gave me this card is hilarious & we mostly spent time laughing about anything and everything. Humor helps make any day - especially a WORK day - better.

And, by the way, the gift this amazingly wonderful person gave me was a bottle of wine.

(Thank you, C. You are one of the coolest, nicest people I have ever met & I am going to miss you SO much.)

Peace
--Free

Careful What You Wish For, Pops!

BLACK  & WHITE  TV After  being married for 50 years, I took a careful  look at my wife one day and said: "Fifty"  years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,  slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch  black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.” Now... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car,  a nice big bed and a large screen TV.    BUT - I'm  sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to  me that you're NOT holding up your side of  things." My wife is a very reasonable  woman.   She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that  I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.   Aren't older women GREAT? They really  know how to solve an old guy's problems.

 

Truth for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you DIE.

2. Nothing SUCKS more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to NAP when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font!

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of MY neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at WORK when you know that you just aren't going to do anything PRODUCTIVE for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still NOT know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. 

 

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their BRAIN is also important.

 

(Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

 

 

 

Guilty Dog?

The Brick

THE BRICK A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new JAGUAR.     He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.   As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!        He slammed on the brakes and backed   the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.   The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,  'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?   That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.   Why did you do it?'     The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do.' He pleaded.       'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.       'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.' Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'  Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.       He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,   then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.   A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.     Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.. It was a LONG, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.     He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:     'Don't go through life SO FAST that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'       GOD whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen.     He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not. Thought for the Day:  If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning.    Face it, friend - He is crazy about you! God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,   but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Read this line very slowly and let it sink in... If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Childbirth at 65!

 

    

With all the NEW technology regarding fertility recently,   One of my 65-year-old friends   was able to GIVE BIRTH.     When she was discharged from the hospital     and went home, I went to visit.   'May I see the new baby?' I eagerly asked.   'NOT yet.' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit   for a while first.'   Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the    new baby NOW?'         'NO.  Not yet,' she hedged.       After another few minutes had elapsed,     I asked again: 'May I see the baby now?'     'NO, not yet,' the new mother replied.        Growing very impatient,       I asked, 'Well, WHEN can I see the baby??'          'WHEN HE CRIES!' she snapped.           'WHEN HE CRIES?' I asked in surprise.            'WHY do I have to wait until he CRIES?'                  'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!'