Oh-Mazing Grace

I ain't gonna lie - I've seen this video before, but when I spotted it on You Tube today, I still had a giggle fit.

Lord, please forgive me... The brother wasn't doing so bad at first. THEN he busts out with that note that made me jump in my seat and almost bite my tongue. Mercy, mercy.

The bad thing is, I'm supposed to be fasting and praying today. See how the Devil works? Just puts these thoughts all up in my head while I'm trying so hard to live right...

Oh. My. Goodness.

I don't know WHERE my niece finds these. This was so funny I wanted to think it was staged, but I guess it really is not...

I got it in an email titled: What happens when you try to tow a woman's car.

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.'

Cute - Funny - Cute

From my in-box... I thought these were really cute. Simple & cute. The email calls it "Stick People Humor."

1979

My 30 year reunion is being organized. So funny that just a few days ago I was laughing at Cedric the Entertainer's joke about old school music. He sang a piece of Peaches & Herb's "Reunited" then joked, "Makes you wanna get your hair done in the kitchen, don't it?" (For those who don't get that reference to black southern culture, we ladies used to sit in the kitchen while our mothers heated a pressing comb on the stove to straighten our hair.)

Anyway, I started remembering how good life was back then. Young folks won't remember any of this, except for hearing their parents talk about it all, but I remember:

• My parents listening to Moms Mabley, Redd Foxx and Bill Cosby records. We kids were always supposed to be out of earshot, but we'd sometimes manage to sneak and listen in. That Moms Mabley was one nasty-mouthed chick, and Redd Foxx was NOT Fred Sanford when he got loose on his real jokes.
  
• Earth, Wind & Fire when Maurice White had an afro and Philip Bailey was thin and had a falsetto like a little girl. THIS was my favorite song of theirs. Don't laugh, but I used my pillow to practice kissing to this song! And, oh yeah, I was going to marry Maurice and we were going to have all these beautiful babies together. **sigh**
• Mother Theresa was a huge deal during this time. I remember seeing pictures of her.
• The Shah of Iran - who was popular here - was overthrown. (I remember when my family was stationed at Webb A.F.B., and the Iranian pilots who were training there would hand out candy and even money to the base kids... What a different world then. (And, remember, if you can, that this is the same time that Saddam Hussein came into power. Weird.)
  
• I remember hearing a lot about Margaret Thatcher and Idi Amin.
  
• Garfield the cat (yep, he of the cartoon) started back then.
• Muhammad Ali was trying to retire. I don't think he really did it, tho. I DO remember that my parents and everyone still sometimes called him Cassius Clay.
• Older people were all talking about this great movie, "Kramer vs Kramer."
  
• The Bee Gees were very hot then, so was Rod Stewart. I was still listening to a lot of Al Green and The Emotions and Sister Sledge. (And, of course, I was still in love with Michael Jackson. These were his best days & I had ALL the posters.)

It's just amazing how much has changed in 30 years. I'm staggered (and a little bit depressed!) but I'm glad I survived my youth. I did have a little jaunt down memory lane today, so I posted about it over at BeingFree too.

Lies, Lies, Lies - Yeah!

Got this in the in-box this morning. Subject line: "Never lie to a woman."

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer.

**wait for it...wait for it**

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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

This Cat Is Smart!

My friends are on the loose again. When I saw this in my in-box, I laughed. For a minute. Then I read the little bit at the end which made me feel really old...**sigh**

I will dedicate this to my friend, Drew, who just celebrated a birthday. (Know what, Drew? Age doesn't matter so much when you feel better than any 20 year old!)

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough already...

• The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS
• The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born
• They have always had an answering machine
• They have always had cable
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show
• Popcorn has always been microwaved
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from
• They never heard "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "De plane, Boss, de plane!"
• McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

Pass this on to the other old fogies you know!

(Notice the larger type?)

Best Medical Q & A I've Ever Heard

From my friend Barb. We've decided that we LOVE this doctor!!!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it fas ter. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

***

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

***

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

***

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

***

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain...Good!

***

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

***

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

***

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

***

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

***

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


4. The Italians drink a 20 lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Understanding Women

Got this from my aunt & while I've heard some of these jokes before, most were new to me. I'm still laughing...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee... Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.  

WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding  items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..' 

 

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the  root, and still be afraid of a spider. 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the  aisles. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.  So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.  (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

  

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' 

    

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. 

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

 

 

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

 

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS' 

THE SILENT TREATMENT 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about  to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

 

** God may have created man before woman, but there is always  a rough draft before the masterpiece **

Don't You Wish You'd Thought Of....?

This came into my in-box just moments ago from my niece Gwennie & I'm so mad. I DO wish I'd thought of every last one of these things. I don't know what the inventors call them, but I gave them my own names & you know I'm gonna be on the lookout for where to buy some of them! 

Penguin Tea Timer

Finger Glass/Hand Glass

Smart Ladder

Finger Tray

Double 'Brella

Extenda Camera

Measure Belt

Toothy Glass

Double Pitcher

Cookie Cup

Flower Light

Hair Shirt/Man Shirt

Springbed

Teapot Toaster (or ToasterPot)

Stair Drawers

Okay now, I REALLY like the stair drawer thing. That is SO cool. If anyone knows where these items can be bought, please let me know!