Gadget Weary?

Haven't posted for a while, but this was too cute to let it slide!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1,800 employees; all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. 

 

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven (7) kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids,and 2 great-grandkids could communicate with me in the MODERN way!

 

I figured I could handle something as SIMPLE as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

 

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world!

 

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation!

   

I am NOT ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get LOST every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.

 

I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.

 

I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes & Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.

 

I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,  and I got a little LOUD.

 

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.

 

Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say: "Re-calc-u-lating." 

  

You would think that she could be NICER. It was like she could barely tolerate me.

  

She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead – well - it was NOT a good relationship.

  

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she LOVES me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

 

We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too COMPLEX for me!

 

They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

 

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them.

When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." 

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. 

 

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot." 

P.S.  Us Senior Citizens do NOT need anymore gadgets.  The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle!

Logic Test

(This is an oldie but goodie that I fall for and take every time! Hope you do better than I did...)

These 4 questions test your logic:

#1 - How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

** STOP & think about your answers first**

ANSWER - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

#2 - How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

ANSWER - If you said to open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door... Wrong! The correct answer is.... Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This question was to test your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

#3 - The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. ALL the animals attend... except one. Which animal does NOT attend? 

ANSWER - The Elephant. He's in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This question tests your memory.)

Okay, even if you did not answer the first 3 questions correctly,

you still have ONE more chance to show your true abilities...

#4 - There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles. You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

ANSWER - You jump in the river and swim across. Don't worry about the crocodiles. Haven't you been paying attention? All the crocodiles are at the animal meeting! (This question was to test whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS BEWARE . . .

(Got this in email from a friend & it was a great laugh for the day!)

You, who worry about  Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, the students and their professor were discussing the  qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple.  The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, my friends, these are the same kinds of 18-year olds who are now voting in our elections!  They breed and walk among us...

New Habits (message from this blogger)

Just want to say that I am trying to be better in my Christian walk & that means cleaning up some of my ways and habits.

I will be more careful about the humor I post. In the past, I have posted some things that pushed the barriers as far as language and morals. I don't want to be a bad example for others. I will still update the blog, but I will be changing to keep things as clean as I can. This goes for my personal daily life as well.

Since I am on the subject, I encourage all my Christian brothers and sisters to take a look at their own lives. We will surely grow and change as we mature in our salvation. Take at look at yourselves and see where you can be a better representation of someone saved by the Lord. If there are things in your daily life that don't reflect a commitment to the Lord, work on getting rid of it.

I recently tweeted about habits. Bad ones are hard to break and good ones are hard to develop. We just need to work on replacing the bad with the good. I am working on my language and prayer life.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to make people smile and be encouraged. I will still try to do that, but I also want to be a reminder of the greatest gift we all have: Salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ.

God bless & keep smiling!

Hilarious "So Long" Card.

I recently left a job to take another job. One of my co-workers at the "old" job gave me the funniest & sweetest cards I have probably ever gotten:

"I guess this is where I say goodbye.
(At this point, I am really touched)

And I suppose this is where
my eyes get all watery...
(My own eyes started to water up!)

And this is where my throat
starts getting really dry...
("Wow," I'm thinking. "This is so sweet!")

And this is where I start
sniffling...
(I did sniffle a little here)

And this is where a snot bubble
begins to form under my nose...
(At this point, I fall out laughing so loud I had to apologize!)

I'm really gonna miss you!"

Isn't that the greatest? Such a perfect way to say goodbye to someone. You have to know that the person who gave me this card is hilarious & we mostly spent time laughing about anything and everything. Humor helps make any day - especially a WORK day - better.

And, by the way, the gift this amazingly wonderful person gave me was a bottle of wine.

(Thank you, C. You are one of the coolest, nicest people I have ever met & I am going to miss you SO much.)

Peace
--Free

Careful What You Wish For, Pops!

BLACK  & WHITE  TV After  being married for 50 years, I took a careful  look at my wife one day and said: "Fifty"  years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,  slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch  black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.” Now... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car,  a nice big bed and a large screen TV.    BUT - I'm  sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to  me that you're NOT holding up your side of  things." My wife is a very reasonable  woman.   She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that  I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.   Aren't older women GREAT? They really  know how to solve an old guy's problems.

 

Truth for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you DIE.

2. Nothing SUCKS more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to NAP when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font!

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of MY neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at WORK when you know that you just aren't going to do anything PRODUCTIVE for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still NOT know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. 

 

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their BRAIN is also important.

 

(Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

 

 

 

Guilty Dog?

The Brick

THE BRICK A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new JAGUAR.     He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.   As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!        He slammed on the brakes and backed   the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.   The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,  'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?   That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.   Why did you do it?'     The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do.' He pleaded.       'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.       'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.' Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'  Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.       He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,   then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.   A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.     Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.. It was a LONG, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.     He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:     'Don't go through life SO FAST that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'       GOD whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen.     He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not. Thought for the Day:  If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning.    Face it, friend - He is crazy about you! God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,   but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Read this line very slowly and let it sink in... If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Childbirth at 65!

 

    

With all the NEW technology regarding fertility recently,   One of my 65-year-old friends   was able to GIVE BIRTH.     When she was discharged from the hospital     and went home, I went to visit.   'May I see the new baby?' I eagerly asked.   'NOT yet.' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit   for a while first.'   Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the    new baby NOW?'         'NO.  Not yet,' she hedged.       After another few minutes had elapsed,     I asked again: 'May I see the baby now?'     'NO, not yet,' the new mother replied.        Growing very impatient,       I asked, 'Well, WHEN can I see the baby??'          'WHEN HE CRIES!' she snapped.           'WHEN HE CRIES?' I asked in surprise.            'WHY do I have to wait until he CRIES?'                  'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!'