Sunday, April 17, 2016

Living for the "Slow" Life

**From my in-box**

After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.  One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Stay-young Bay in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.
They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.  

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.

He watches all day so nobody can ESCAPE.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.  Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.  

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.



Friday, March 11, 2016

Kids... At Church and Home

It's been too long since I've updated this blog! I decided to try getting over here more often because, during this election season, the good Lord knows we all need some laughter...
These are the latest bits from my email inbox. Please enjoy. (And thanks, Auntie Johnnie!)
Three-year-old Reese prayed: Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.  Amen.
                                             Image result for funny kids
A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you can't make me a better boy don't worry about it. I'm having a real GOOD time like I am.

                                                  Image result for funny kids
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home. But I wanna stay with you guys."
                                                           Image result for funny kids

A four-year-old’s prayer: And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.
                                                           Image result for funny kids

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service: "And why is it necessary to be QUIET in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus was sitting here, He would say: 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said: "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

                                                  Image result for funny kids

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore and showed him a dead seagull in the sand. he asked, "Daddy, what happened to him?"

Dad replied, "He died and went to Heaven."

After a moment of thought, the boy said: "Did God throw him back down?"

                                                   Image result for funny kids

A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Image result for funny kids


Monday, August 4, 2014

Random & Funny (photos)

Time for some smiles, people... Right out of my in-box:

Not all men. Just the ones I know

This one is just for my niece & her dog Twilight

I'm going to use this for any family leaving the kids longer than I agreed to!

Funny now, but one day, we'll be the "grandma"

Under the kitchen sink. Yes, ma'am

And my favorite?

Be mad all you want, I laughed!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Why Teachers Go Nuts

The email I got called this one "Why Teachers Drink", but...


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A.When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
(now we’re getting somewhere)

Hahaha! Is it just me, or is there a bit of genius in some of those answers?


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

So True, So Very True!

Stole this from someone on Facebook. Almost makes it worth it that I have an account there...
Jeff Foxworthy on Alaska. Boy, did he nail it!

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Alaska.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Alaska.

If you know several people who have hit a moose more than once, you may live in Alaska.

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Alaska.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Alaska.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Alaska.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Alaska.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Alaska.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Alaska.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Alaska.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Alaska.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Alaska.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Alaska.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to your entire Alaskan friends & others, you definitely live in Alaska

Mostly true. Used to be completely true, but they times are a'changing...


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Monday, June 23, 2014

Animals for Smiles (Part 2)

And... I continue with stuff from my in-box:

But my personal favorite....