Tailgater

This is a good reminder for all of us who profess to be Christians... (from Gwennie)

TAILGATER

A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake.You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker ,the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School ' bumper sticker,and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.

Moral of the story: Beware the fake christian, they are everywhere.

(From Gwennie & it's so funny that I just changed the "bad" words and posted it anyway!)

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right *%#& number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong ' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an moron!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'moron' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I ' d call him up and yell, "You ' re an moron!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic moron calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an moron!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the moron ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first moron (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW moron, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When ' s a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an moron!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two morons to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Moron #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an moron!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Moron, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, moron," and hung up.

Then I called Moron No. 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, moron."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I 'll kick your tail,"

I answered, "Well, moron, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two morons beating the snot out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

Good Old Days???

Don't know where my 21 yr old niece got these, but they were in an email called "Now I know why they called them the 'good old days' " She was pretty tickled when I told her how her great grandma just HAD to have at least one Coca-Cola to start her day off & later on we heard that there was cocaine IN Coca-Cola... She thought that was hilarious. These are funny!

(46% Alcohol, 1 1/12 grains Opium - to each fluid oz...
& they give dosage instructions for babies 5 days old, 2 wks old, 5 yrs. Adults get a whole Tsp!)

("Instantaneous Cure!" I'll just bet!)

(I had to look close at this one to see the "Cocaine" at end of first line...)

(Some more of that Alcohol & Cocaine curative!)

(Quinine & Cocaine. I don't think the quinine matters!)

(LOL. Know how they won the medals!)

(Boy - they LOVED that Coca Wine, didn't they?)

(*smh* Wow. Good Old Days indeed...)

Gotta Do Whatcha Gotta Do

From my niece Gwennie. This is hilarious & just goes to show that people will figure out a way around almost ANYthing...

(I'd laugh, but I've ridden in cars ALMOST as bad!)

(But not THIS bad)

(Oh my...)

(Now THIS is just too much. Are they really that shallow???)

(I can see the lightbulb going off for the men out there. Guys - DON'T try this at home!)

(I, uh, I just don't, uh... *sigh*)

(Uh, EWWW)

(LOL)

Grandmas Don't Know Everything!

This from my sis-in-law. We both cracked up over it. We are a family that's lucky to have wonderful grandmas!

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

So Happy 2B Back!

Can you tell I've been spending 2 much time on Twitter? With all the shorthand stuff? LOL. Well, I HAD to do something fun while my PC was in the shop. Got my baby back 2day and decided to name her "BeBop the PC." Why? Cause if she breaks down on me again, I'll probably bebop her right into the trash!

Anyway... I am catching up on downloading good stuff from my email & the first batch of funny pics are in from my niece Gwennie. They kinda speak for themselves. Enjoy! (I captioned above them just in case you couldn't read the ones on the pics. I know, I know, I wear glasses myself!)

The cat made this look easy...

"You give me half the fish, and I'll tell my mom to let you live"

"I hope that fireman asks her out soon. This is getting old!"

"Dude, stand up. It's only like 3 inches deep"

Too cute. I promise to have more soon. (Thank you, Gwennie Poo!)

Tech Support Woes

My PC is still in the shop & I don't want to store & transfer pics on my nephew's PC, so I haven't been posting here as much. But... From Gwennie Poo, I got this in my in-box. No pics so it's easy to share.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah… that one does work.

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Twitter

In case you haven't checked it out yet, Twitter is a great place for you. If you like humor, there are folks over there who will have you rolling on the floor. If you like cooking, poetry, music - whatever - there are like-minded people using Twitter.

I just wanted to point that out because I hear so many people saying that they "just haven't joined" yet.

Let me tell you something: Don't be worried about learning how to Twitter. The people you meet are so cool, they will tell you every and anything you want to know without making you feel bad. The best thing is, the variety of people you can meet. I have shared info and smiles with people of every race, belief, and any other kind of persuasion you can think of. I think that's what I love about Twitter: I am connecting with people I might not otherwise have the opportunity to even be exposed to. You can exchange thoughts and ideas and laughs with hustlers, mommies, daddies, scientists, writers, comedians, rich folk, poor folk, famous and not-famous folk. Whatever and whoever. I bet you can find somebody favorite to talk to.

So... You need to get over there and jump into the conversation - whichever conversation you like!

Peace
--Free

(I'm there & if you want to hit me up: http://twitter.com/FreeBeing)

We Are In Trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces and working outside the country.


Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.


And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are, sitting at your computer, reading jokes..


Nice.. Real nice...

Sleeping At Work

The 5 best things to say if caught sleeping on the job:

NUMBER 5: "The told me at the Blood Bank that this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

(And the all time favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at work...)

NUMBER 1: (Raising your head slowly) "In Jesus' name, Amen."

(Yeah - YOU try that last one if you want, but I happen to know God don't like ugly! LOL)