Two For Giggles!

(In a Crowded Library)

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? 

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh...

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? 

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . That's Absurd!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. 

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

###

(Grandpa Calm)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3year-old grandson. 

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. 

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long, easy, boy.” 

Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."  

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." 

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grand-father is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and NO matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." 

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little sh*t's name is Kevin.” 

Moves Like...

This was on G+ the other day. A Plus pal of mine got a great giggle out it after I told him ...

...it's what I looked like when I tried treadmilling to Frankie Beverly & Maze's "Running Away." That beat got good to me & I just about hurt myself! (You can stop laughing now, +J.D. Hughes!)

Next time, I'll play some Mozart!

Peace
--Free

His'n & Her'n

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.
There's no need to remind him about it every 6 months!
Sheesh!

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is.
He's going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.


NASA's robot Curiositu landed on Mars.
Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars...

I once won an argument with a woman...
in this dream I had.



If your wife or girlfriend ever asks:
"If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, 
which of my friends would you pick to join in?"
Never give 2 names.

It is so funny that
when my girlfriend gives me the
"silent treatment,"
she thinks it's a punishment.

Toot Toot Toot

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a  good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

Gentle Thoughts

From my Aunt Johnnie:

Birds of a feather flock together

and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a

Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher

It is to lose weight, because by

then your body and your fat have

gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find

something lost around the

house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman

numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's

middle name is so he can

tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you

put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'

together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will

reach a point when you stop

lying about your age and

start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back

their odometers. Not me, I want

people to know 'why' I look this

way.  I've traveled a long way and

some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and

would like to go back to your

youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting

old when everything either

dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no

one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change

from being young.  Ah, being

young is beautiful, but being

old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around

my shoulder and your hand

over my mouth . . . AMEN!

Peace

--Free

Bad Boy!

Childbirth: Should children witness childbirth? Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, Heidi, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted Connor by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help.

He asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed...

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his butt again!"

SENIOR DRESS CODE

(From my Auntie Johnnie Mae!)

Many of us 'Old Folks' (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 


     1. A nose ring and bifocals  


     2. Spiked hair and bald spots 


     3. A pierced tongue and dentures 


     4. Miniskirts and support hose  


     5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads  


     6. Speedo's and cellulite 


     7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar  


     8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 


     9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 


     10. Bikinis and liver spots 


     11. Mini skirts and varicose veins 

     And,  Most importantly…  

     At  some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE'  shorts  

Peace
--Free

Mr. Bluebird on My Shoulder

One of my favorite people on Google Plus is my psychological twin, +Julia Hawkins.

She might understand then why this just cracked me up...

The bird's name is Trudy.

Peace

--Free

Oldie Goodies

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty..."

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"'Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Peace
--Free

Strut, Strut, BAM!

Don't know why I chose this as the post to introduce my newest blog. I suppose just to emphasize that even Christians are human and sometimes inappropriate.

Don't act like this right here isn't funny:

Strut, strut....BAM!

I found it from a buddy on G+ and just about went to hell laughing.

Yeah. I am just so wrong for that. Going to hell on a scholarship if I don't ask forgiveness.

Anyway, my new blog is for Christians who believe deeply in the Savior and think outside the walls of buildings called churches. It's called Accidentally Brilliant, Unintentionally Sexy. Yeah. Seriously. Tell your friends.

Peace
--Free