Pastor's Business Card

(Thanks Auntie J) This has been around for a long time, but still cute.

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. 

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

 When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

They still are!  

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

Over 40 Folks!!!

 If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!   

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! 

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!    

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

And car seats - oh, please!   Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  
See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

(Just to keep it straight here: I was only NINE years old in 1970, so... LOL)

The Middle Wife

(Thanks, Auntie J. This is a cute keeper!)

The 'Middle Wife'
by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.  I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.  So I always have a few sessions with my students.  It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.  If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant.  'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. 

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. 

The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 

'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife.  She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop!  My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' 

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.  It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.  They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. 

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.  When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. 

 I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Not the Usual

When I see a funny video, I usually just giggle and move on. There have been a few standouts, tho. This is one of them. It's SO funny to me because it's becoming commonplace for reality show "stars" to try to leapfrog their momentary "fame" into long term celebrity. Well, if for no other reason than the should-be-ashamed factor, this chick here from Real Housewives of New Jersey has made a mark!


 


And while I'm at it - let's torture ourselves and remember this one from another "housewife."



And, what the heck! Let's gander at ANOTHER one of these desperate-for-attention gals!



Whew! What was it Bugs Bunny used to say: "That's a stinker!"

To be fair... THIS version of Staub's song is SO much better. I don't know why in the world, she let that other version loose...



OK, I might have to give Staub the Biggest Stinker Award for the first version, but that second one... Kind of nice. (I still don't get the whole celeb-reality stardom thing...)

Man Down!!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 

 "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look more beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

Hot Out?

Cute...

How in the WORRRRLD

How do people get in these jams...

For this last one, look at what's going on with the windshield of the red car...

(I'm not sure I wanna know how this happened...)

Good One!!!

Got this from Auntie J. Don't know if it's true or not. If it is, this young lady has a great sense of humor and creative way of making her point!!!

LOL... TOO funny. And I just LOVE her expressions.
By the way - she emailed all 33 photos to the ENTIRE office!!! (Wonder if that boss of hers still has a job, or is he able to devote ALL his time to Farmville! LOL)

1978 vs 2010

LOL - Another one of those emails that contrasts priorities. (And for the young people snickering at us Oldsters... Just wait, your time is coming!)

    1978: Long hair   
    2010: Longing for hair

    1978: KEG
    2010: EKG

    1978 : Acid rock
    2010: Acid reflux

    1978: Moving to  California  because it's cool
    2010: Moving to  Arizona because it's warm
 
    1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  
    1978: Seeds and stems
    2010: Roughage

    1978: Hoping for a BMW
    2010: Hoping for a BM

    1978: Going to a new, hip joint
    2010: Receiving a new hip joint

    1978: Rolling Stones
    2010: Kidney Stones

    1978: Screw the system
    2010: Upgrade the system

    1978: Disco
    2010: Costco

    1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

    1978: Passing the drivers' test
    2010: Passing the vision test

    1978: Whatever
    2010: Depends

If I Have to Feel Old, I'm Taking YOU With Me!

(From Auntie J)... I just LOVE stuff like this because it puts things in perspective...

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

•     The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.
•     They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
•     Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
•     Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
•     The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
•     They have always had an answering machine.
•     They have always had cable.
•     They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
•     Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
•     Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
•     They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
•     They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
•     They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
•     They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
•     They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
•     McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
•     They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

    Do you feel old yet? Have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

Why Sharks Circle...

Another from Auntie Johnnie...

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."  And they did.

"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"NOW we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, WHY didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

Now you know WHY Sharks Circle You Before Attacking!

Ghetto Spelling Bee

(Auntie Johnnie Mae: We should be ashamed of ourselves, but I'm posting this. I know some folks are going to be mad, but... this is just funny!)

Ghetto Spelling Bee

Tyrell came home from school disappointed.  "I HATE English, them teachers are always changing stuff". 

Mother:  "Tyrell, have you been using BAD words and writing dirty notes again?"

Tyrell:  "Naw, momma, I swear I didn't.  I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher said, but the teacher, she gave me an "F". 

*****

HOTEL  - My Momma said that she ain't gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.

HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.

PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you just said but OMELETTE it go dis time.

STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points and my coach say, "DATA boy."

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"

DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."
 
DECIDE - My boy fronting like he love his girl but everybody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE.

***

Yeah, I know - that's just WRONG!

Tenn Thoughts to Ponder

From my Aunt Johnnie Mae (Lord knows, I needed a pick-me-up today!)

10- Life is sexually transmitted

09- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can DIE

08- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich...

07-Give a person a FISH and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet & they won't bother you for weeks

06- Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs!

05- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

04- All of us could take a lesson from the weather - it pays NO attention to criticism

03- Why does a "slight" tax INCREASE cost you $200, and a "substantial" tax CUT save you $30?

02-In the 60's, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

And the NUMBER 1 Thought:

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - what you do today might burn your butt tomorrow!