Funny or Mean?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

Don't Mess With Seniors!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the  store wasn't ready, with only a few  shelves  and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman  walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass,  then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling idiots."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing  well.  Only two left."
  
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

Quick & Cute

First posted these "from around the web" funnies over on Being Free. Enjoy!

*Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
 (credit to these folks)

*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

*Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone... but then again, neither has milk.

*I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here

*Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
(credit to these folks) 

*I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

*I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

 

*A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

(credit to these folks)

These are some cool things you can do in Google search (you know, just in case you are incredibly bored & want to waste some time!)

In Google Search, try typing...

• do a barrel roll
• tilt
• askew
• what is the loneliest number
• recursion

It's great fun. (Some might not work depending on which browser you use)

For more interesting stuff with Google, check out this at Techie Buzz.

For tips on quick searching in Google, go over here at Future Hackers.

You're never to old or too clever to learn more!

Divorce vs Murder?

From my in-box:


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

Under the Influence of Childhood?

Saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share it here. The source is apparently these folks on Facebook: Laugh, Quotes & Facts. Go on over and show some "Like" love!

Me behave? Seriously?

As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked,

Cinderella arrived home after midnight, 

Pinocchio told lies,

Aladdin was a thief,

Batmak drove over 200 miles an hour,

Snow White lived in a house with 7 men,

Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,

Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performans,

and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. 

The fault is not mine!

An Elder & the Bank

Got this is an email. Whether it's true or not, it's funny as all get-out. Enjoy!

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Alcohol Warning Labels

from my email... 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you 
are whispering when you are not. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends 

over and over that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can 

sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

a complete idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that friends and ex-lovers

are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are 

laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead to pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting

your behind kicked.

WARNING: The crunsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

Ducky Says...

Thought these were cute (if only because of Ducky!)

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a RELATIVE.

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any LOOSE fitting clothing, I would NOT have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 

Don't argue with an IDIOT; people watching may NOT be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the BIBLE in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

(Another completely brilliant question!!!!)

And remember:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.      

           The closer it gets to the end, the FASTER it goes.

Ain't Scared of Nothing!!!

 (From my in-box)

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on US. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.  

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. 

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit.

I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.  

Something about her body language, and the way she said it, made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.  

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.  

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 Special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.  

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a darned thing!"

New Murphy's Laws

Saw these in an email:

1) Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2) To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3) My road to success is always under construction.

4) Alcohol does not solve any problems,... but if you think again, neither does Milk.

5) It's funny but in order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. (Mark Twain?)

6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.

7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

8) Everyone has a get-rich scheme? Which never works until you cheat.

9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried!

10) He who has the gold, makes the golden rules and those who don't have gold follow them.

11) Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

12) When in a line, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

13) If you have paper, you don't have a pen! If you have a pen, you don't have paper! if you have both, no one calls.

14) You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

15) The door bell or your cellphone will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

16) Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always flow towards the non-smoker.

Facebook Funny

This is very short, but I had to share it because I cracked up when a friend posted it on her wall:

I'm so broke

my bologna has no 

first 

name

Bumper Snickers

(From email, web and seen or overheard)

@CHRISTJESUS.COM

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere 

CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!

If we stop voting, will they all go away?

Another dopeless hope fiend!

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Forbidden Fruits create many Jams!

I don't question your existence - GOD

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Don't follow me, follow Jesus!

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him. 

God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!

God spoke, and BANG! It happened!

God loves you! And I'm trying. 

Men, Men, Men...

One day, my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," I called back to him. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Dallas Cowboys!"

And they say blondes are dumb?

 

***

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death!

***

Just kidding & just to make you smile. If you have a good spouse, count yourself blessed!

Gadget Weary?

Haven't posted for a while, but this was too cute to let it slide!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1,800 employees; all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. 

 

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven (7) kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids,and 2 great-grandkids could communicate with me in the MODERN way!

 

I figured I could handle something as SIMPLE as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

 

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world!

 

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation!

   

I am NOT ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get LOST every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.

 

I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.

 

I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes & Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.

 

I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,  and I got a little LOUD.

 

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.

 

Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say: "Re-calc-u-lating." 

  

You would think that she could be NICER. It was like she could barely tolerate me.

  

She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead – well - it was NOT a good relationship.

  

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she LOVES me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

 

We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too COMPLEX for me!

 

They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

 

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them.

When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." 

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. 

 

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot." 

P.S.  Us Senior Citizens do NOT need anymore gadgets.  The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle!

Logic Test

(This is an oldie but goodie that I fall for and take every time! Hope you do better than I did...)

These 4 questions test your logic:

#1 - How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

** STOP & think about your answers first**

ANSWER - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

#2 - How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

ANSWER - If you said to open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door... Wrong! The correct answer is.... Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This question was to test your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

#3 - The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. ALL the animals attend... except one. Which animal does NOT attend? 

ANSWER - The Elephant. He's in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This question tests your memory.)

Okay, even if you did not answer the first 3 questions correctly,

you still have ONE more chance to show your true abilities...

#4 - There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles. You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

ANSWER - You jump in the river and swim across. Don't worry about the crocodiles. Haven't you been paying attention? All the crocodiles are at the animal meeting! (This question was to test whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS BEWARE . . .

(Got this in email from a friend & it was a great laugh for the day!)

You, who worry about  Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, the students and their professor were discussing the  qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple.  The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, my friends, these are the same kinds of 18-year olds who are now voting in our elections!  They breed and walk among us...

New Habits (message from this blogger)

Just want to say that I am trying to be better in my Christian walk & that means cleaning up some of my ways and habits.

I will be more careful about the humor I post. In the past, I have posted some things that pushed the barriers as far as language and morals. I don't want to be a bad example for others. I will still update the blog, but I will be changing to keep things as clean as I can. This goes for my personal daily life as well.

Since I am on the subject, I encourage all my Christian brothers and sisters to take a look at their own lives. We will surely grow and change as we mature in our salvation. Take at look at yourselves and see where you can be a better representation of someone saved by the Lord. If there are things in your daily life that don't reflect a commitment to the Lord, work on getting rid of it.

I recently tweeted about habits. Bad ones are hard to break and good ones are hard to develop. We just need to work on replacing the bad with the good. I am working on my language and prayer life.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to make people smile and be encouraged. I will still try to do that, but I also want to be a reminder of the greatest gift we all have: Salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ.

God bless & keep smiling!

Hilarious "So Long" Card.

I recently left a job to take another job. One of my co-workers at the "old" job gave me the funniest & sweetest cards I have probably ever gotten:

"I guess this is where I say goodbye.
(At this point, I am really touched)

And I suppose this is where
my eyes get all watery...
(My own eyes started to water up!)

And this is where my throat
starts getting really dry...
("Wow," I'm thinking. "This is so sweet!")

And this is where I start
sniffling...
(I did sniffle a little here)

And this is where a snot bubble
begins to form under my nose...
(At this point, I fall out laughing so loud I had to apologize!)

I'm really gonna miss you!"

Isn't that the greatest? Such a perfect way to say goodbye to someone. You have to know that the person who gave me this card is hilarious & we mostly spent time laughing about anything and everything. Humor helps make any day - especially a WORK day - better.

And, by the way, the gift this amazingly wonderful person gave me was a bottle of wine.

(Thank you, C. You are one of the coolest, nicest people I have ever met & I am going to miss you SO much.)

Peace
--Free

Careful What You Wish For, Pops!

BLACK  & WHITE  TV After  being married for 50 years, I took a careful  look at my wife one day and said: "Fifty"  years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,  slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch  black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.” Now... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car,  a nice big bed and a large screen TV.    BUT - I'm  sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to  me that you're NOT holding up your side of  things." My wife is a very reasonable  woman.   She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that  I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.   Aren't older women GREAT? They really  know how to solve an old guy's problems.

 

Truth for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you DIE.

2. Nothing SUCKS more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to NAP when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font!

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of MY neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at WORK when you know that you just aren't going to do anything PRODUCTIVE for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still NOT know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. 

 

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their BRAIN is also important.

 

(Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

 

 

 

Guilty Dog?

The Brick

THE BRICK A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new JAGUAR.     He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.   As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!        He slammed on the brakes and backed   the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.   The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,  'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?   That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.   Why did you do it?'     The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do.' He pleaded.       'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.       'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.' Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'  Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.       He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,   then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.   A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.     Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.. It was a LONG, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.     He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:     'Don't go through life SO FAST that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'       GOD whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen.     He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not. Thought for the Day:  If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning.    Face it, friend - He is crazy about you! God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,   but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Read this line very slowly and let it sink in... If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.