Funny or Mean?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

Don't Mess With Seniors!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the  store wasn't ready, with only a few  shelves  and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman  walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass,  then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling idiots."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing  well.  Only two left."
  
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

Quick & Cute

First posted these "from around the web" funnies over on Being Free. Enjoy!

*Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
 (credit to these folks)

*I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

*Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone... but then again, neither has milk.

*I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here

*Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
(credit to these folks) 

*I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

*I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

 

*A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

(credit to these folks)

These are some cool things you can do in Google search (you know, just in case you are incredibly bored & want to waste some time!)

In Google Search, try typing...

• do a barrel roll
• tilt
• askew
• what is the loneliest number
• recursion

It's great fun. (Some might not work depending on which browser you use)

For more interesting stuff with Google, check out this at Techie Buzz.

For tips on quick searching in Google, go over here at Future Hackers.

You're never to old or too clever to learn more!

Divorce vs Murder?

From my in-box:


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!"

Under the Influence of Childhood?

Saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share it here. The source is apparently these folks on Facebook: Laugh, Quotes & Facts. Go on over and show some "Like" love!

Me behave? Seriously?

As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked,

Cinderella arrived home after midnight, 

Pinocchio told lies,

Aladdin was a thief,

Batmak drove over 200 miles an hour,

Snow White lived in a house with 7 men,

Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,

Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performans,

and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. 

The fault is not mine!