Tailgater

This is a good reminder for all of us who profess to be Christians... (from Gwennie)

TAILGATER

A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake.You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker ,the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School ' bumper sticker,and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.

Moral of the story: Beware the fake christian, they are everywhere.

(From Gwennie & it's so funny that I just changed the "bad" words and posted it anyway!)

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right *%#& number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong ' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an moron!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'moron' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I ' d call him up and yell, "You ' re an moron!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic moron calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an moron!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the moron ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first moron (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW moron, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When ' s a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an moron!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two morons to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Moron #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an moron!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Moron, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, moron," and hung up.

Then I called Moron No. 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, moron."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I 'll kick your tail,"

I answered, "Well, moron, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two morons beating the snot out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

Good Old Days???

Don't know where my 21 yr old niece got these, but they were in an email called "Now I know why they called them the 'good old days' " She was pretty tickled when I told her how her great grandma just HAD to have at least one Coca-Cola to start her day off & later on we heard that there was cocaine IN Coca-Cola... She thought that was hilarious. These are funny!

(46% Alcohol, 1 1/12 grains Opium - to each fluid oz...
& they give dosage instructions for babies 5 days old, 2 wks old, 5 yrs. Adults get a whole Tsp!)

("Instantaneous Cure!" I'll just bet!)

(I had to look close at this one to see the "Cocaine" at end of first line...)

(Some more of that Alcohol & Cocaine curative!)

(Quinine & Cocaine. I don't think the quinine matters!)

(LOL. Know how they won the medals!)

(Boy - they LOVED that Coca Wine, didn't they?)

(*smh* Wow. Good Old Days indeed...)

Gotta Do Whatcha Gotta Do

From my niece Gwennie. This is hilarious & just goes to show that people will figure out a way around almost ANYthing...

(I'd laugh, but I've ridden in cars ALMOST as bad!)

(But not THIS bad)

(Oh my...)

(Now THIS is just too much. Are they really that shallow???)

(I can see the lightbulb going off for the men out there. Guys - DON'T try this at home!)

(I, uh, I just don't, uh... *sigh*)

(Uh, EWWW)

(LOL)

Grandmas Don't Know Everything!

This from my sis-in-law. We both cracked up over it. We are a family that's lucky to have wonderful grandmas!

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'