Thursday, February 25, 2010

Progress...

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009:

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009- School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
***********************************

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
*********************************

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
*********************************
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
  ****************************************    
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 
*******************************************
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.    AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.        Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 
********************************************
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.  Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
**********************************************
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Kids....

I haven't posted here in a looooong time, but just got these kiddie laughs in an email from my buddy Trysha. I was eating fruit while reading the email & dang near snorted out some pineapple. Too cute, these:

Why We Love Children:

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move.'

********************************

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'

*******************************

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

*********************************

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy'

*********************************

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,

as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.'

**********************************

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'

****************************************

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

*****************************************************

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

*************************************

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

*******************************************

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the
boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

********************************************

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're
gonna get hair on your Twinkie.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.' 


(BTW: I think I'll pick #4 as my favorite.)