Sunday, December 26, 2010

3 Rules

My Auntie Johnnie is an alumni of Northwood University.  She sent this note with one of her emails:

In May, Dr. Dennis McCuistion made the commencement address at Northwood University in Cedar Hill, Texas.  McCuistion’s three (3) rules for a successful life and career are very commonsensical. I am still smiling as I read the message:
 
*********************************************************
Shown below is an abridged transcript of Dr. Dennis McCuistion's address at the May 2010 Northwood University, Texas Campus, commencement. A former bank CEO and the founder of McCuistion & Associates, Dr. McCuistion currently consults with financial institutions and other businesses on TOP management issues and facilitates strategic planning sessions, offers advice on director/CEO issues and serves on boards and audit committees of public and private companies.
The author of three (3) books and hundreds of articles on the banking industry, McCuistion has served as the host and executive producer of the nationally syndicated McCuistion Program, a Donahue-style talk show on PBS, and has appeared on Fox News, other PBS television programs, and ABC, NBC, and CBS affiliates.
Three Rules for a Successful Life & Career
Northwood University – Texas Campus May 21, 2010
Thank you very much President Pretty and members of the administration, faculty, students, and all of you who still owe the money for these students to be here (audience laughter). Thank you very much for coming.   I don't think there's a moment in my life in which I have not been involved in some form of education, either in Grade School, High School, College, after college either taking classes or teaching classes, so I'm "sort of" involved with the education business. And I like it a lot.
There's an old saying, which our faculty have heard—I'm not sure that you students have—but it goes something like this, "Those who can, DO. Those who can't, teach."
I've taken that to a new level: Those who can't teach, teach teachers. Those who can't teach teachers, coach. And those who can't coach, go into administration. And as far as I can tell, if they flunk out at that, they either run for the School Board or go up for the Board of Governors...(audience laughter). I'm hoping that that's not really the case. But it could be.
Today I'm going to tell you about some things I think I know.
And I'm also going to quote a guy named Josiah Stamp who said, "It's not what you don't know that'll hurt you. It's what you know that AIN’T so."
So what I'd like you to think about are the things I think I know:
1.  Money ain't everything
2.  A little education is a dangerous thing
3.  You'll always be a freshman in Life
I asked folks, as we were walking in, if they remembered their commencement speaker because I have no idea who my commencement speaker was when I graduated for the first time years ago...so if you think that I think you're going to remember me, you're wrong. If you think I hope you do, you're right. But more importantly, I hope you'll remember one thing I said, whatever that is, it'll be a different thing to each of you, so let's see if we can make that happen.
First of all, "Money ain't everything."
You only need one (1) job. Isn't that right? Just one. And I suspect that many of you already have one. The reason I say that money's NOT everything can be found in a quote from one of the most famous philosophers of all time. Who do you think it is? Aristotle? Socrates? This philosopher is a guy named Woody Allen who says, "Wealth is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons" (audience laughter). I thought he was pretty much right about that.
And so as I got to thinking about this issue—they said they're going to award me a doctor of laws—and so I have, for many years, talked about the laws of money, which I'm going to share with you.
Sutton's Law: Sutton's law goes something like this and it comes from Willy Sutton, the late bank robber who, when asked WHY he robbed banks, simply replied, "Because that's where the money is." That's what Willy Sutton said. That's the first law of money.
  • Donahue's Law: Donahue's Law says this, "What's worth doing is worth doing for money."
  • Canada Bill Jones' Law: "It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."
  • Billings Law (which applies to many of you here and our federal government): "Live within your income even if you have to BORROW to do so." (audience laughter)
  • Finally Gross's Law: "When two people get together to decide how to spend a third person's money, FRAUD will result." (audience laughter)
The biggest issue that you students are going to have in your lifetime is an issue that my generation has created for you; we have spent money we did NOT have.
We have a $13 trillion federal debt, $50-plus trillion in unfunded liabilities, and we have written checks to OLD people like some of these folks here...and we're going to continue to do so when we are sending the check to you. That is immoral. It is wrong.
But guess what? It's done. You're going to be the ones that'll have to stand up (you're one of the very few college graduating classes who haven't been inundated with "big government" propaganda in your classrooms).
Stand up gentlemen and ladies. You will need to stand up. I promise you, now while money isn't everything, I do believe that a lack of money can create some STRESS...but try NOT to focus on the money as much as what you're trying to do with your LIFE.
And make sure that what you do is something you can be passionate about. And if you can be passionate about it and make money at the same time, you've pretty well got it made.
 
My second point is this, "A little education is a dangerous thing."
There was a poem that we studied in college, many of you probably studied in college, by a guy named Alexander Pope and it went something like this: "In the beginning," he said, "a little learning is a dangerous thing."
And I say a little education is a dangerous thing...and by that I mean, this: One of the problems that we have is when we learn something, we sort of think we know EVERYTHING. And I think there's NOT a time in your life in which you will be smarter than the day you graduate from college. I know when I graduated from college I was pretty much the smartest person on earth.
I have spent the rest of my life learning how little I know.
Do any of you feel that way? The only difference between you now and when you started in college a few years ago are the books you've read, and the experiences that you've had.
The other thing I'd say about education is this: Travel.
I never got on an airplane until I was twenty-three years of age...Some things have changed folks, some things have changed.
This University started about 1959...and let me tell you the way it was. It's hard for those of us who were here prior to then because prior to that there were NO pre-packaged frozen foods, no Xerox, one credit card, no remote controlled TVs, no ATMs, no contact lenses, no automatic garage door openers, no microwave ovens, and no day care centers.
Not only was that before MP3, it was before CD players, personal computers, fax machines, electric typewriters, laser printers to say nothing of men wearing earrings and women sporting tattoos. Back then, a chip was a piece of wood. Hardware meant hardware and software was a number two pencil.
Back in 1959 cigarettes were not only fashionable but were considered healthy stress reducers. Coke was a soft drink, grass was something you mowed, and heroine the female hero. And getting stoned was a negative biblical experience, that's the way it was in 1959. I'm a big believer in goal setting. A friend of mine, Judy Skelton, gave me a book called How to Get Control of Your Time & Life and because of it I started writing down goals for my lifetime, which I hope you will do. I wrote down two things about 35 years ago. One was "write a book," the other was "go to Europe." I think travel is extremely educational. I'm going to tell you something I know that you don't know is true.
Everything you get on the Internet is NOT factual. I'm going to repeat that in case some of you missed it. Everything you see on the Internet is not factual—that may be the thing you remember from this speech today.
 
You’ll Always Be A Freshman in Life
Not all education is formal...as Mark Twain said, "Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned, NOT what we've learned." Now before I go to my last point, I'm going to tell you that when I was a freshman I had some interesting times because we didn't have middle schools back in those days. We had grade school and high school...I will never forget being an eighth grader.
In eighth grade you are on "top of the world"...I mean you are "king of the school," whatever the other people want to do, you tell them what to do, when to do it, you're the "king." And then you go to high school and become a freshman and for the first time in your life, you are the LOWEST form of life; NO one likes you, everybody makes fun of you... And then you get to be a senior in high school and you are at top of the world again. You are "king of the hill," you are "queen of the hop."
And then you get to go to college and you become a freshman again. At SMU they made us wear beanies when I was a freshman...that was embarrassing. But then when you get to be a senior in college, you're "top of the heap" like you guys are right now. But then I got out and got my first job and I became a freshman again.
I was working for a bank in Richardson, Texas my senior year in college collecting past due installment loans and I learned the most important lesson I've ever learned educationally in my life: People will LIE to you. I heard the greatest lie ever made. And that is, "The check is in the mail."
The second greatest lie comes from the government and that is, "I'm from the government and I'm here to HELP you." Those are the two greatest lies there are. (audience laughter)
So nevertheless I got to be a loan officer two weeks after I graduated from college and the first guy who came in to borrow money...I forgot to get him to sign the note. I got all these other papers signed but I forgot to get the note signed. Is that embarrassing or what? So I called the guy back (he worked at Texas Instruments) and he...signed the note for me, which was nice of him. The first mistake I made as a loan officer, in my first job...I didn't think I'd ever think about that again.
After I worked for a while, I became a president of the bank. And so consequently I became a freshman again. I did that for a few years and then started my own company as a consultant and became a freshman again. Then I got involved in political issues and became a freshman again. Then somebody said, "You want to talk about these political issues on television?"...and so 20 years ago we started doing this television program, and I was a freshman again.
Ten years ago, the Dallas Morning News wrote an article about...the television program and they asked me, "What's the most embarrassing thing in your business career?" I said I forgot to get the first guy who I ever loaned money to, to sign the note" (audience laughter). That guy is a guy named Cherry Peek and that was almost forty years ago. He read the newspaper and he called me up. I hadn't seen him in forty years. And he said Dennis, I think I am that person.
Ladies and gentlemen, the mistakes you make will NEVER go away, they will never go away (audience laughter). Next Monday night I'll start teaching on a college campus here in the Dallas area...for the first time and I will be a freshman again.
So let me summarize:
1.  Money ain't everything
2.  A little education is a very dangerous thing
3.  You'll always be a freshman
And I'll close with this story. Some of the people in the audience will remember Helen Hayes. Helen Hayes died a few years ago. She lived in Dallas for many years. She was an actress...before the 1950s, wonderful woman. Her mother said to her when she was a child, she said, "Helen you're going to probably do some interesting things in your life, you may or may not be someone who is well known...the important thing in your life is what you achieved, what you set your goals for. And then when have you achieved those goals, if you can achieve something, that's the important thing. She said, "Success is when OTHER PEOPLE recognize your achievement."
For you students, the 2010 graduating class of Northwood, we are here today for one reason—and that is to honor you. We are here to make sure that we recognize YOUR achievement and your success.
All my best to you in the future, thank you very much.
(audience applause)

Maxine's Last Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them:
 
 
 
 
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and  fluids from a bottle.
 
 
 
 
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' 
 
 

They 
got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. 
 

They are  SO on my s**t list!

Are They Black?

A male patient is lying in bed
In the hospital.
He’s wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and is still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says: 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, sir!!'
 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
 
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely...


'Are - my - test - results - back?'

What's That Noise???

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing!


           An elderly couple are attending church services.
 
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. 
 
It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"


          
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

I Owe My Mother

Auntie Johnnie is at her email again!!!
 
 
1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.  "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.  "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.   "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.  "Stop acting like your father!" 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.  "Just wait until we get home." 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.  "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.  "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.  "Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
  
 
25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you

Top 10 Pet Peeves of Dogs

Very cute. From my Aunt Johnnie (minus the pics cos I was too late to paste!)

#1...Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!! 

#2...Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

#3...Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out!
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

#4...Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

#5...Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

#6...The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whooooooo Hoooooooo - what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

#7...Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

#8...Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

#9...Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur? 

#10...How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

And a final word:

How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.



EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Getting Old

(Thanks to my brother & sis-in-law for this one. We are ALL starting to feel the weight of the years, but we do thank God for having brought us this far!!!)

$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco  Bell said to me.   I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
 
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
 
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet.  A mere child!  Senior citizen?  I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo.  Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. 
 
Old?  Me?  I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!   What am I now?  A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your
car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.  I began to rationalize in my mind.  "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!   It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.  I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
 
What now?
 
I checked my keys and tried another.  Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.  I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
 
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.  That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered
 my courage, and strode back into the  restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
 
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young
 lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother  explained, "I think you left this in my  truck by mistake."
 
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words, "It's OK.
  My grandfather does stuff like this all  the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a  Toyota  Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm  not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
 handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly  sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.


READ BELOW !

Just in case you weren't feeling too
 old today - - -

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember
 the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years
before they were born.

They have always had an answering
machine.

They have always had cable.

Popcorn has always been microwaved.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or
where he was from.

They never heard, "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel ," or "de
plane, Boss, de plane."

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a
 typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies
on your list.

Notice the larger type?  That's for those of us who have trouble
reading.

P.S. Save the earth.  It's the only planet with chocolate.

A Puzzler

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
And you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star. 

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

Inspiring Quotes

(Let's take a moment to slow down the laughter & do a little thinking...)

Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull pull out when in trouble,
But it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

Do you know why a car's Windshield is so large
And the Rearview Mirror is so small?...
Because out Past is not as important as our Future.
Look Ahead and Move on...

Friendship is like a BOOK.
It takes a few seconds to burn
But it takes years to write.

All things in life are temporary.
If going well, Enjoy it,
They will not last forever.
If going wrong, don't worry,
They can't last long either.

Old Friends are GOLD!
New Friends are DIAMOND!
If you get a diamond,
Don't forget the gold!
Because to hold a diamond, you always need
A base of gold!!!

Often when we lose hope
And think this is the end,
GOD smiles from above & says,
"Relax, sweetheart,
it's just a bend,
NOT the end!"

When GOD solves your problems,
You have faith in HIS abilities;
When God doesn't solve your problems
HE has faith in your abilities.

Worse than losing you eyesight
Is losing your vision!

Worrying does not take away
Tomorrow's troubles...
It takes away today's peace

Oh, Miss Maxine! You a Mess!

(Oh, how I do love Miss Maxine! Thanks Auntie J!)

  • "The only thing I stir up in the kitchen is trouble."
  • "I hate housework! You make the beds, do the dishes and 6 months later you have to do it all over again!!"
  • "I read recipes the way I read science fiction - I get to the end and think 'Well, that's not gonna happen!'"
  • "Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture."
  • "There should be a support group for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty."
  • "I love a good meal! So I don't cook."
  • "A household hint: Stop dusting and you can use your coffee table as a message board."
  • "Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So sometimes I cook something."
  • "They lied. Hard work has killed lots of people."
  • "I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; Things I'll never do…"
  • "Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him."

One Day Employment

(This is from Maxine - the woman we women love
to love!) 

***********

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees.
I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job
a very loud, unattractive,mean-acting woman walked
into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly. ‘Good morning and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there.
Are they twins?' 
 
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say.
‘Hell no. they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9,
and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you
think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied. I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,
I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this
line of work.

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
 
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
 
It’s wine that does all that.......
 
Never mind