Lazy Links

I'm too lazy to post, so I'm just going to link y'all to stuff I found funny lately...

• The Dominican Van Wilder Chronicles had me ROTF with his cards - HERE & HERE (I swear I wanna buy these! My fave? "Always a bride...")
• The folks over at Weird Asia News had me giggling over some no-smoking ads. (Seriously, if you want to quit smoking, move to Anchorage where a pack of Newports can run you $81/carton now & probably around $100/carton come first of April. You'd be an April Fool indeed to buy then...)
• A funny bumper sticker from... Funny Bumper Stickers (the have more; just browse on through.) And, because of these guys, I found the next site which I'm fast coming to love...
• ...Typos that are so funny to me.

Have fun. Maybe I will have more posting energy after I run all my errands...

NOTE TO VISITORS

You might miss this if I don't point it out, so...

I have added the +SHARE widget to the bottoms of blog posts. This way, if you like, you can more easily share the postings.

I used the excellent service of ADD THIS to get the widget. I used the basic and simple "Get the Button" selection, but if you are more savvy than I, you can customize to your heart's content (and maybe tell me how you did it!)

Anyway, this came about because I tend to use a lot of different services - Twitter, Digg, Facebook, etc - and I like it when I visit a site and can share the posts I enjoy. I thought I'd do the same for my visitors (assuming you all do enjoy at least some of the posts).

Check it out. AND if any of you are interested in joining up with me on Facebook, Twitter, BlogCatalog - or other sites, shoot me an email and let me know how to find you.

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South

From my niece (not a southerner), but I can post it because I am one!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, the talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, at a nearby table, a woman eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, No.

The man asks,"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head, No.

The hillbilly walks over to her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out her her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner, says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hink Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Cute. Funny. Clean.

From my Auntie...

Jokes You Can Tell In Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

********

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

********

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

********

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

********

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

********

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

********

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

********

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side.. I think I'm going to have a wife."

********

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Past Blast (Mammy-made Rant Pt 2)

Thought I'd be lazy today & do another blast from my past. This one is one of my favorite "embellished truth" stories. From Being Free - Feb '06

He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.
(Elbert Hubbard)

You guys know by now that I like quotes & that one is one of my favorites. It's also a perfect start for the continuation of my previous post.

After our little falling-out, G (GWA - Girlfriend W/Attitude) and I fell back in - just like we always do. We pitch our little fits because our personalities make us almost complete opposites. BUT G & I will probably always be friends.

That's what I was thinking about when she called me up on Valentine's Day. She was at work. I was at home (and attempting to pack since I'm supposed to be headed to another state in a few weeks). I was busy, frustrated, and surrounded by my life separated into piles of "To Be Sold," "To Be Stored," "To Be Shipped," and "To Be Trashed." I snatched up the ringing phone without checking Caller ID, just ready to take out some of my stress on a telemarketer. The minute I heard G's voice, I forgot everything else. My G was having a crisis.

Like I said, she was at work & she was surrounded by other females who were all cooing over their delivered flowers, candy, and other Valentine's Day loot. Meanwhile, no deliveries had come for her. Not even one of those sweetheart phone calls that can have you floating through the rest of your day. G said that she'd even tried calling her boyfriend to see if he'd gotten the gift she'd sent (a cologne set), but he was either not at work or the receptionist was lying for him. He wasn't answering his home or cell phone either.

Talk about a crisis.

It's bad enough to be single & have to deal with Valentine's Fever at work, but when you're part of a couple... Wow.

Anyway, G and I (always at our best in a crisis) handled the situation. I ordered a delivery of what had to be the last flowers in the state, and when they arrived at G's office, she called me up and talked in such a way that everyone within earshot thought she was thanking someone named "Baby" and "Honey." After work, she came by with wine and cheesecake & we had a great time applauding our combined genius. Her heart & pride was pretty beat up, but I was able to make her smile.

And that's how female friendships survive. Most women don't bond easily with other females, but when we do bond, it's almost unbreakable. This is what I was thinking about as G and I finished the second bottle of wine. And I started thinking that if women had the same criteria for the men we let into our lives as we do for our girlfriends, we'd probably save ourselves a lot of heartache.

I explained this theory to G in that mellow and deeply philosophical way of a person not used to drinking so much wine. G - just as drunk as I - understood me perfectly. We discussed it for a while and I came up with a list of "Relationship Declarations":

I am what I am. I cannot & will not fake being some fantasy woman out of your unrealistic dreams. That's not consistent, healthy, or sane.

You is what you is. Relax and be yourself. I might not like everything about the "real" you, but at least I'll know what I'm getting. I can work with that.

Life is what it is. Life is not going to be one long, perfect, moonlit date with a Grammy-winning soundtrack playing in the background of our relationship. We have to be able to get through the good days and bad.

I finished ticking off these points, then looked over to see if there was anything G wanted to add. I guess not. She was sprawled across my sofa, dead to the world & probably dreaming about killer cheesecakes going after her now ex-boyfriend.

I pulled a blanket out of the "To Be Shipped" pile and draped it over her. When I stumbled to bed, I remained conscious long enough to thank God for the girlfriends in my life. Girlfriends who understand my silence and my words - even when I get on one of my mammy-made rants.

My words for today:

"If man & woman could switch places for a day, woman would explore the mind & man would explore the body." (Free 2/2006)

Listening to:

"You" (Earth, Wind & Fire - from the album "Love Songs")

Past Blast (Mammy-made Rant Pt 1)

This is the blast from the past that will be followed by another one (Part II)... From Being Free in Feb '06

Get your snacks, y'all. This is going to be a loooong one.

I had a little bit of a falling out with a friend. When I decided to do a blog, it was because I thought it would be a cool way to document this journey of mine into the new life I'm headed for. It's been even better than I thought. Since I get to let out all my wandering little thoughts, worries & stress moments in writing, I don't talk to myself as much as I used to. That helps cut back on the nervous stares of fellow Walmart shoppers. (I still hear some of the little voices in my head, but only the nice ones.)

Anyway, I'm a true techno-dummy & I was pretty proud that I was going to be blogging. (By the way, I'm still trying to get the hang of some things here, so everybody please be patient - or throw some useful tips my way!)

When I got my blog account all set up, I called my friend to let her know about Being Free (the blog), just like I have called her about Being Free! (the state of mind). She sounded a lit-tle bit skeptical. Until I quit the job a while back, my friend & I had worked together for almost 13 years. When she didn't throw a party at the news of my blog, I assumed she was remembering the times when, just by sitting down near a company PC, I could make grown Tech Support guys weep with frustration. (Those techies actually assigned a code name to me - you know, like the Secret Service does for POTUS & family. My name wasn't anything as cute as what first ladies get. Mine was "Target" - as in: "Guys, get ready to cover the HR Department. Target is logging on to Unit 1 in Station 4.") Yeah. It was kind of embarrassing that I could crash a PC just by opening Excel... Otherwise, I was so good at my job that, instead of being fired, I was given an assistant who handled all work on the PC. (The Techs started sending her roses once a week.)

But back to my GWA (Girlfriend With Attitude). It turns out that her concern was not that I would accidentally do something to crash the World Wide Web (is that even possible? Please god, tell me it's not), but that I would infect the web community with what she has the nerve to call my "old-fashioned, mammy-made values." Yeah - she actually said "mammy-made." Talk about showing her age. Old country-assed heifer...

"Now, girl, don't take this the wrong," she told me. "But..."

Pause that. You just know that when somebody says "don't take this the wrong way," they're about to tell you something that's going to make you mad no matter how you take it. And then, you notice, they always add the "but."

"But, Free, much as I love you girl, you know you got some strange ways of thinking when it comes to..."

I tuned out. I'd already heard GWA give this little speech many times over the years. She and I are roughly the same age & we had both his the court system around the same time to take back our maiden names. After divorcing my husband, I took a year off, but GWA had hooked up with a man she met in the courthouse elevator. Basically, she & I have really different ideas about relationships & socializing.

I let GWA finish her little speech about how since we're now in a dating pool with "younger fish," we have to "change our stroke. " Usually, I let GWA have her say & just be done. I always felt so guilty for my "old-fashioned" values that I could never take a stand about them. This time, though, some of my "mammy-made" southern girl fire flared up & I decided to stand hard & have my say.

"You always say I'm old-fashioned - like it's a nasty rash or something. I guess I got "funny ways" just because my idea of romance doesn't involve getting hot over some old-ass fool in a club who's trying to look 10 years younger & talk to me like we'll be sharing pillows in the morning." I said this all without taking even a little breath. Anger gives you strength. When I did take a breath, GWA tried to get a word in.

"Girl, I didn't-"

I cut her off because I was on a roll & my neck was working with it. "Yes, you did," I told her. Then I mumbled too much like I remember my grandma doing, "Just cause I like knowing what a man things about the economy, the war & the way his mama raised him before I know what he thinks about the beauty mark on my thigh..."

"Dang, Free. You ain't got to trip."

"Oh, yes I do. When good brothers & sisters out here got to wade through all the thugs & hoes just to try to find each other. Yeah, I am going to trip."

"I know you ain't calling me a-"

"I did not start the name-calling," I said. (And yeah, I did sound like I was six.) "I'm too old-fashioned for that."

There was this real long silence while GWA tried to decide whether ot not she had a right to be offended. Finally, she laughed in that silly way that some young dude told her was "cute" and said, "Aw, girl. You know I love you. You and your funny ways."

Yeah. Me & my funny ways.

- to be continued -

Oh, yeah - and I bet you thought I forgot this: My words for today --

"Nothing is as complex as the mind a woman - except the mind of a woman in love."

(Free 12/2005)

Song I'm listening to: "I Wanna Thank You" by Maze f/Frankie Beverly

This Woman Is Over 300Lbs!!!

Got this in email and .... Wowweeeee... I don't feel so bad when my scales tip over 135 anymore!

First, lemme ask you something: When you hear of a 320-pound woman, what goes through your mind? Got a picture in your head?

Okay, hold that thought now...



Hang on - I just want to be sure you have an image in your head...



Remember, this chick is OVER 300 pounds...


That's one big sista!!!


Here she is...


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Whoop! There she is! Whoop, there she is...

"Ow! She's a brrr-ick houssse!!"

Eat your heart out, Kate Moss. You won't nevah rock it like that!
This woman is 7'4" and 320lbs
She's the world's tallest & best-proportioned woman. She's in Holland.
Gone on and strut, sistah, with ya bad self!

A Past Blast (Handbasket Reservations)

Every now and then, I go back and read posts I wrote years ago. I found this one that I wrote for Being Free back in Feb '06.
This was during the period when I wrote humorous pieces of fiction based on my real life experiences - you know, change some of the names & details a little.

Anyway, I thought I'd share this with y'all. I copied over the whole entire post, so enjoy.

I'm going to hell, y'all.

I've been bad & I don't mean in that "naughty" way that guys like to hear described in detail over wine and soft music. I'm mean bad as in doing something my pastor would have a fit over if he knew about it. I'd be getting dunked in holy water and olive oil like that kid in "The Good Son" needed to be. Well, I would be if my pastor remembered me. I haven't been to church in so long, I'd need to Mapquest my way there.

See? Hell. I'm going to hell. And with my luck, the hand basket will probably be coach or steerage.

It's been a long while since I've been to church, but I was raised there. Matter of fact, when I was growing up, my mother had us in church so much we should have been paying rent. Bible Study, choir practice, YPWW, Sunshine Band, Tuesday Prayer Meeting, Thursday Night Worship... Don't even get me started on what Sundays were like. We were there at 9 o'clock (8 o'clock until Mama let me outgrow Sunday School), and the sign outside said "Morning Worship 9 - 10:30. That must have been there just to lure in unsuspecting newcomers. There was NEVER - not once in at least 4 years - a service that ended at 10:30 (not in the morning anyway). If we were lucky, we might actually stand to say the closing prayer at around, oh... 11:00...11:15... And every time we made it to the "Amen" and I felt my hopes rising - every. single. time. - Sister Somebody or Brother So-n-So would get a hit of the Holy Ghost. Usually it was this one lady - Sister Euletta Walton was her name. I'd be standing there, one eye shut for the prayer, the other one checking the nearest exit, and then I'd hear it: "Mmmmm..." Sister Walton would start humming. I'd go on and open my other eye and look over at my cousin. She'd sigh, shake her head, and we'd both sit back down. Might as well. Once somebody started humming, moaning, rocking, or swaying their hands in the air, we knew it was on then.

The pastor's son (Sam), who played the organ, would get that glint in his eyes. Now, this boy was so ugly that he should have pitched a tent and charged admission, but he could rock that organ like Larry Dunn used to do for Earth, Wind & Fire.

The only reason Sam recovered from his Saturday night drunken comas and made it to church was so he could teach that organ new tricks. His favorite part of the service was at the almost closing. You know - when somebody (like Sister Walton) got that hum going? Sam told my other cousin that he knew just which note to hit at just the right time to get some shouting started. (He told Peaches this while I stood lookout so they could smoke cigarettes out behind the church.)

Sure enough, one sister or brother would start a hum going and another sister or brother would join in. Sam would pick the right moment to ease in a few random notes, then - when the timing was just right - he'd hit a high note. Just something kind of bluesy-like to send a little thrill down the hairs on your neck.

At that point, you might as well forget going home. Evening services started at 6.

I stopped going to church when I stopped living at home. My mother never criticized my decision, but she'd drop "subtle" hints whenever she could. I would go by every couple of weeks to have dinner and she would make the grace into a ten-minute prayer for the salvation of my hell-bound soul. After she'd said "Amen," she would urge me to heap up on collard greens like she hadn't just scared me out of an appetite.

My mother passed away five years ago. I'd give just about anything for one of her dinnertime prayers now.

So, If you couldn't tell by now, I was raised among folk who other people called "Holy Rollers" and "Charismatics." In our church, it was easier to list things that weren't sins than to list what was.

Sins:

Secular music, dancing and singing, cussing, smoking, drinking, playing cards. Women had a few others: wearing pants, makeup, nail polish, skirts above the knees, elaborate hairstyles.

I think that whoever came up with the Sin List just copied another list called "Anything That Might Possibly Be Even Remotely Halfway Fun." The other things on the list came straight out of the Bible as read by the pastor. One of the big no-no's was astrology or horoscopes. This was not something you messed with if you didn't want the pastor to have to perform your exorcism.

Now, I've done my share of everything on the "Sin List" (except for singing because, well... I just can't sing), but until about a year ago, I never even paid attention to astrology. Until a friend of mine pointed out to me that I am "such a Cancer." She said, "You're so Cancer, the symbol should be a picture of you, not a crab."

Yeah. Right. Sure. Uh huh.

My friend brought over a copy of Linda Goodman's Sun Signs. She'd bookmarked the section for Cancers.

I ignored it.

It was laying there on my coffee table for three weeks.

I dusted around it. Stacked mail on top. Hid late bills underneath.

My friend came by one day and put the book on my night table.

I hid it behind the lamp.

Then...

I think I had to take a peek - just so I could prove to myself that horoscopes are nothing but generic personality profiles. Then I could go back and tell my friend that she was wrong. But...Wow.

I am SO a Cancer. The generic profile thing just doesn't pardon how exactly that book described my personality. Not only am I a true Cancer, but one friend of mine is a definite Virgo. This guy I dated a while back is Gemini to his soul, and I KNOW that my GWA (Girlfriend With Attitude) is a Taurus...

Now, I wanted to toss the book out with the trash. Then I could go find a church and convince a minister to bless and pray for me, but... I'm going to hang on for a minute. I need this book just for a little while longer. You know - for purposes of future reference when dating...

--Free

My words for the day:

"Thank God that forgiveness is not what we do, but what we are given." (Free 2/2006)

Music I'm listening to:

Rolling Stones - "Beast of Burden"

INXS - "Live, Baby, Live!"

Joy

I grew up in the Holiness church. This is the way we do praise and music worship. (I feel like I had to show the way praise should be done when people know how to sing.)



(And if you think this doesn't fit on this blog - you're wrong. ANYthing that lifts the spirit belongs!)

Oh-Mazing Grace

I ain't gonna lie - I've seen this video before, but when I spotted it on You Tube today, I still had a giggle fit.

Lord, please forgive me... The brother wasn't doing so bad at first. THEN he busts out with that note that made me jump in my seat and almost bite my tongue. Mercy, mercy.

The bad thing is, I'm supposed to be fasting and praying today. See how the Devil works? Just puts these thoughts all up in my head while I'm trying so hard to live right...

Oh. My. Goodness.

I don't know WHERE my niece finds these. This was so funny I wanted to think it was staged, but I guess it really is not...

I got it in an email titled: What happens when you try to tow a woman's car.

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.'

Cute - Funny - Cute

From my in-box... I thought these were really cute. Simple & cute. The email calls it "Stick People Humor."

1979

My 30 year reunion is being organized. So funny that just a few days ago I was laughing at Cedric the Entertainer's joke about old school music. He sang a piece of Peaches & Herb's "Reunited" then joked, "Makes you wanna get your hair done in the kitchen, don't it?" (For those who don't get that reference to black southern culture, we ladies used to sit in the kitchen while our mothers heated a pressing comb on the stove to straighten our hair.)

Anyway, I started remembering how good life was back then. Young folks won't remember any of this, except for hearing their parents talk about it all, but I remember:

• My parents listening to Moms Mabley, Redd Foxx and Bill Cosby records. We kids were always supposed to be out of earshot, but we'd sometimes manage to sneak and listen in. That Moms Mabley was one nasty-mouthed chick, and Redd Foxx was NOT Fred Sanford when he got loose on his real jokes.
  
• Earth, Wind & Fire when Maurice White had an afro and Philip Bailey was thin and had a falsetto like a little girl. THIS was my favorite song of theirs. Don't laugh, but I used my pillow to practice kissing to this song! And, oh yeah, I was going to marry Maurice and we were going to have all these beautiful babies together. **sigh**
• Mother Theresa was a huge deal during this time. I remember seeing pictures of her.
• The Shah of Iran - who was popular here - was overthrown. (I remember when my family was stationed at Webb A.F.B., and the Iranian pilots who were training there would hand out candy and even money to the base kids... What a different world then. (And, remember, if you can, that this is the same time that Saddam Hussein came into power. Weird.)
  
• I remember hearing a lot about Margaret Thatcher and Idi Amin.
  
• Garfield the cat (yep, he of the cartoon) started back then.
• Muhammad Ali was trying to retire. I don't think he really did it, tho. I DO remember that my parents and everyone still sometimes called him Cassius Clay.
• Older people were all talking about this great movie, "Kramer vs Kramer."
  
• The Bee Gees were very hot then, so was Rod Stewart. I was still listening to a lot of Al Green and The Emotions and Sister Sledge. (And, of course, I was still in love with Michael Jackson. These were his best days & I had ALL the posters.)

It's just amazing how much has changed in 30 years. I'm staggered (and a little bit depressed!) but I'm glad I survived my youth. I did have a little jaunt down memory lane today, so I posted about it over at BeingFree too.

Lies, Lies, Lies - Yeah!

Got this in the in-box this morning. Subject line: "Never lie to a woman."

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer.

**wait for it...wait for it**

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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

This Cat Is Smart!

My friends are on the loose again. When I saw this in my in-box, I laughed. For a minute. Then I read the little bit at the end which made me feel really old...**sigh**

I will dedicate this to my friend, Drew, who just celebrated a birthday. (Know what, Drew? Age doesn't matter so much when you feel better than any 20 year old!)

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough already...

• The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS
• The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born
• They have always had an answering machine
• They have always had cable
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show
• Popcorn has always been microwaved
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from
• They never heard "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "De plane, Boss, de plane!"
• McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

Pass this on to the other old fogies you know!

(Notice the larger type?)

Best Medical Q & A I've Ever Heard

From my friend Barb. We've decided that we LOVE this doctor!!!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it fas ter. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

***

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

***

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

***

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

***

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain...Good!

***

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

***

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

***

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

***

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

***

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


4. The Italians drink a 20 lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Understanding Women

Got this from my aunt & while I've heard some of these jokes before, most were new to me. I'm still laughing...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee... Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.  

WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding  items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..' 

 

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the  root, and still be afraid of a spider. 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the  aisles. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.  So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.  (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

  

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' 

    

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. 

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

 

 

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

 

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS' 

THE SILENT TREATMENT 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about  to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

 

** God may have created man before woman, but there is always  a rough draft before the masterpiece **

Don't You Wish You'd Thought Of....?

This came into my in-box just moments ago from my niece Gwennie & I'm so mad. I DO wish I'd thought of every last one of these things. I don't know what the inventors call them, but I gave them my own names & you know I'm gonna be on the lookout for where to buy some of them! 

Penguin Tea Timer

Finger Glass/Hand Glass

Smart Ladder

Finger Tray

Double 'Brella

Extenda Camera

Measure Belt

Toothy Glass

Double Pitcher

Cookie Cup

Flower Light

Hair Shirt/Man Shirt

Springbed

Teapot Toaster (or ToasterPot)

Stair Drawers

Okay now, I REALLY like the stair drawer thing. That is SO cool. If anyone knows where these items can be bought, please let me know!