Twitter

In case you haven't checked it out yet, Twitter is a great place for you. If you like humor, there are folks over there who will have you rolling on the floor. If you like cooking, poetry, music - whatever - there are like-minded people using Twitter.

I just wanted to point that out because I hear so many people saying that they "just haven't joined" yet.

Let me tell you something: Don't be worried about learning how to Twitter. The people you meet are so cool, they will tell you every and anything you want to know without making you feel bad. The best thing is, the variety of people you can meet. I have shared info and smiles with people of every race, belief, and any other kind of persuasion you can think of. I think that's what I love about Twitter: I am connecting with people I might not otherwise have the opportunity to even be exposed to. You can exchange thoughts and ideas and laughs with hustlers, mommies, daddies, scientists, writers, comedians, rich folk, poor folk, famous and not-famous folk. Whatever and whoever. I bet you can find somebody favorite to talk to.

So... You need to get over there and jump into the conversation - whichever conversation you like!

Peace
--Free

(I'm there & if you want to hit me up: http://twitter.com/FreeBeing)

We Are In Trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces and working outside the country.


Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.


And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are, sitting at your computer, reading jokes..


Nice.. Real nice...

Sleeping At Work

The 5 best things to say if caught sleeping on the job:

NUMBER 5: "The told me at the Blood Bank that this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

(And the all time favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at work...)

NUMBER 1: (Raising your head slowly) "In Jesus' name, Amen."

(Yeah - YOU try that last one if you want, but I happen to know God don't like ugly! LOL)

Military Wisdom

Being from a military family, I found these fun (and smart!):

• "If the enemy is in range, so are you." ~ Infantry Journal
• "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." ~ U.S. Air Force Manual
• "You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." ~ U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
• "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." ~ Unknown Marine Recruit
• Clean it, if it's dirty. Oil it, if it squeaks. But: Don't screw with it if it works! ~ USAF Electronic Technician
• "If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." ~ USAF - Ammo Troop
• "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." ~ Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
• "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
• "Never trade luck for skill."
• The 3 most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh, shit!"
• "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
• "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We've never left one up there!"
• "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
• As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

I'm smiling, but my heart is in my throat for all the men and women standing in harm's way to protect the rest of us.

Love & Wisdom

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "And suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicines for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes, right?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds, models and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Yessir!

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

They Walk Among Us!

From (who else?) Aunt Johnnie! It's about the not-so-bright things people will say & do:

• Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of the old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For 3 days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. The owner eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale - $50." The next day someone stole it.
• One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when somebody shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"
• While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has done for some time. She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff..."
• My colleague and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria at work when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
• My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. The tool is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps the tool in the trunk!
• I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose-ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
• I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. I went to the Lost Luggage office to make a report. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
• While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. The man thought about it for some time before he replied, "Just cut it into 4 pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Warning: They walk among us!

Lessons Learned Watching Haunted Stories

(I posted this over on my other blog, BeingFree, but someone suggested I put it up here too.)

I love watching those shows on TV about people living in haunted houses. I’m the stereotypical black person when those shows come on cause I’m talking to the television like the people can hear me: “Don’t go in there, you idiot!” and “Oooh, you’re crazy. I wouldn’t be walking around trying to find where that noise is coming from!”

I don’t want to be politically incorrect, but I have never seen a black family featured on one of these shows. And I bet if I ever do, it will be a short one.

Here’s the basic outline of what happens on one of these shows:

A husband and wife find the perfect house (or one that the wife loves but the husband hates or vice versa).

They move in and are really happy for about 2 minutes.

At the 2.01 mark, something weird happens. There’s an unexplained smell or sound. Maybe a door or window won’t open or stay shut, or else it opens and shuts on it’s own. Maybe one of the family starts to hear footsteps they can’t explain. (No matter what, this is never enough to scare them off.)

Give it a little time and enough strange stuff happens to where one person tells the other. And no matter HOW convinced the one person is, the person they tell either doesn’t believe them or else tries to explain away what’s been happening.

Give it a little more time and the second person starts noticing strange stuff too. (Although in some cases, it takes something really convincing, like when the first person becomes slightly possessed!)

Once the second person starts getting a clue, the whole family is on guard. Not on guard enough to leave (because there are at least 3 more commercials to get through), but enough to know something is wrong. Dumbasses..

Now that everyone is aware that there was a reason they were able to rent or buy their dream house so cheaply, the haunting ramps up.

When someone starts speaking in ancient tongues or gets poked in the ass by their invisible guests, it’s time to call in a psychic or demonologist or “investigator.” Sometimes (depends on how hot the show is), you get all the bunch.

Now, this is important: the rescue crew has to have certain “It” factors. Either they are young and good-looking or quirky and interesting or “world renowned.” And they are usually fearless. They will go into a house infested with demons or spirits and wander off into rooms by themselves. Oh. Wait – I forgot; there’s always a cameraperson along. Well, it LOOKS like they are alone and fearless and that’s what counts. Gives me something to yell at the television about.

Once the investigators have checked out the family (you know, making sure to extract juicy little bits of information about previous paranormal experiences or evidence of staunch skepticism), they call in the psychics and demon-hunters. Sometimes they call these people “Sensitives” or something else exotically odd. These are the people who will feel out the house itself.

Somehow, even though we are always reassured that the psychics and such have been “told nothing” about the house or the people (it’s really cool when they add the touch of a blindfold!), I’m always tickled to wonder how the person was flown or driven to an unknown location with all the secrecy…

And the minute they walk in… they can feel something not quite right. I’ve not seen ONE single episode of these shows where the “sensitive” person walks in and gets through the front door without “picking up” something. Don’t you think that a demon might be a little sneakier than this? You know, hide out for a minute so it can pop out and amp up the scare factor a little? Sheesh. You’d think these things have no sense of humor.

Anyway, once the sensitive person starts getting their feelings about the place, they don’t ever try to get rid of whatever the haunting thing is right away. Nooooo… they have to TALK to it. They have to try to get acquainted. I don’t know about you, but if something has been scaring the hell out of me and the kids, throwing things around and going bump in the night, I’m not trying to understand WHY. I just want to get it the hell out of the house and out of my life. I don’t care if it’s hanging around because it’s misunderstood, pissed off, lonely – whatever. I just want it gone. But apparently, that’s just me.

Now that the spirit has been introduced, we can get to the part where it has to be sent on to where it never should have come from.

This gets tricky.

If it’s just a haunting spirit, apparently it needs to be guided to the light (whether that light comes from Heaven or the furnace of Hell, I guess depends). I guess some of these spirits missed the Dead Bus and need new directions. I don’t know.

But if it’s a demon haunting the place, well, that thing has to be confronted.

This is cool with me. If the trained experts are willing to do the confronting, well, go on with your bad self and get down. However, I notice that someone is always trying to encourage family participation. They say things like, “You must stand your ground” and “This is your house you are taking back from this thing.”

Yeah. Okay.

I’d be the smartass saying something back to them like, “You’re the one getting paid.” (Because you know and I know that somebody is making some money off of this. It IS on television, people…)

Once they all confront or banish the Bad Thing, the air smells cleaner, the sky is brighter (or at least, if it’s raining, it seems like a cleansing rain). Sometimes, in the case of a haunting by a lonely child or sad widow, they will have a ceremony to help put the spirit at rest…

The End.

Now, let me tell you how the show would go with me:

We find a house.

I get a bad feeling or Tim tells me he has a bad feeling.

We get back in the car and leave.

The End.

Or we don’t get a bad feeling right away. Let’s say we move in.

A door slams by itself, we hear mysterious footsteps, we smell something we can’t explain. Whatever. I’m gone. With Tim or with him trying to jump in the car as I drive off.

Don’t let me hear a voice. It says “Get...” and I’m gone before the “...Out.”

And I’m playing about Tim. He’s no coward, but he’s not stupid. We’d probably be driving off and down the street before we realized we were even in the car.

So, people. Don’t be stubborn. What are you proving by getting into a pissing contest with something dead or never alive? Here’s my advice about dealing with something haunted:

1 – When you hear unexplained footsteps and/or doors closing, DON’T go to check it out. Leave the damn house until you have someone with you to check together. And you are only checking long enough to get the keys to the car so you can leave faster than running.

2 – If you hear a disembodied voice or mysterious children’s laughter, DON’T hang around to figure it out. You know those aren’t your kids. The one thing worse than Bebe’s kids are the GHOSTS of Bebe’s kids.

3 – If dishes start flying around and cupboards start opening and closing, what the hell are you doing trying to duck and dodge for? Just LEAVE. NOW.

4- If you wake up to a deep, growling voice yelling “GET OUT!” Obey.

5 – If your once sweet and loving spouse starts acting like Bela Lugosi with the old organ previous tenants left behind, leave the spouse in the house and GET OUT! You can send Pastor Roy back to get the spouse. Maybe the church can pray that demon out of him.

6 – If your kid tells you that something unseen is shaking the bed or snatching off the covers in the middle of the night, this is NOT a phase they are going through. Listen to them while y’all are packing some clean drawers to take to the motel.

7 – If the hairs stand up on the back of your neck only when you go in certain parts of your home, that’s not a static electricity problem. Think “Bounce!” and I don’t mean the dryer sheets. Something is trying to tell you something!

8 – When shadows and mists tend to float around your house in the night, don’t tell me about how you can’t leave & lose your investment. Choice: be bankrupt or be possessed.

9 – If you start having nightmares that don’t end when you wake up, it’s time to go.

10 – Those mysterious stains that appear and disappear on the ceiling? That’s probably not normal. Especially if you’ve already heard voices and seen shadows.

Don’t be stupid, people. Don’t wait until furniture starts levitating to call in a priest. Call the priest, the pastor, Ghost Busters… Hose down the lawn with holy water if you have to. You’ve watched the shows, you’ve heard the stories. You’ve seen “The Exorcist.” You cannot be serious about hanging out in a house that has a haunting. Unless you’re just trying to get yourself on a show with a medium or “paranormal researcher.” Personally, I’d rather burn that bitch to the ground and collect the insurance! I wanna meet Chip Coffey because I think he’s cool as heck, but I can hit him on Twitter. I don’t need a haunting to start that conversation.

Peace

--Free

Some 'Splaining To Do...

(One of my FAVES & it's from Gwennie Poo)

Sex In The Dark:

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break her husband out of this crazy habit.

So, one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she managed to reach over and turn on the table lamp.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful, and larger than the real thing...

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly...

...

...

...

"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."


(Well, now damn.)

Me & My In-Box..

Got this the other day & wanted to share the smile...

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor guy is reading emails...
(You hang in there sunshine!!!)

Da End Be Near

(Yeah, this one is from Aunt Johnnie...)

Reverend Bourdreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenent Church just across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: "Da End is NEAR. Turn yo' sef 'roun NOW afore it be too late!"

A car drove past them and the driver leaned out his window and, speeding away, yelled, "You religious nuts!"

A moment later, from the curve ahead, they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

The Reverend B turned to Pastor T and asked, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus' say...'Bridge Out?'"

Circumcised

Think this one came from either Aunt Johnnie or Gwennie Poo... It was ONE of those two, I can tell you that! :-)


A Teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

The kid was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find the little boy sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he replied. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


Hee hee. Parents, watch what you say to the kids!

Shirley & Marcy

From Aunt Johnnie:

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?

Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied,
'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

Coulda Shoulda Woulda

(from my punkin' Gwennie)

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager...

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,'says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

Porch Prayer

(Oh, Auntie Lil, when we get to heaven, I want to sit next to you so I'll always be laughing!)

There was a little old lady
who every morning stepped onto her front porch,
raised her arms to the sky & shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her & yell:
"THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter,
the little old lady stepped onto her front porch & shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord,
I have no food & I am starving. Provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch
& there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out.
"HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges, shouting:
"THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air & shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES
& MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Go on and laugh. No matter what you believe, you know you wanna laugh!

Side by Side

(Barb, girlfriend, you are killing me with this one!)


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

"When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right there.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

His wife leaned in closer. "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart begin to fill with warmth.

"Get the heck away from me! You're bad luck."

Ah. Togetherness.

The Zen of Sarcasm

(From, who else? My Aunt Johnnie!)

The Zen of Sarcasm

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Works for me.

Danny

From Gwennie. So cute, this one:

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one.

They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

The Rowing Race - A Lesson in Western Management Techniques

(From Auntie Johnnie...)

A Japanese company and a Western company decided to have a canoe race on the river. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Westerners, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Western team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; Western management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the Western management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.


Sadly, The End.

1st Grade Proverbs...

From Gwennie-poo!

First grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child with the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the saying. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-grade 6-year olds. (The last one is a classic!!)

What the teacher gave them--------------------------What they finished with
Don't change horses......................................until they stop running

Strike while the...........................................bug is close

It's always darkest before................................Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of......................termites

You can lead a horse to water but.........................How?

Don't bite the hand that.....................................looks dirty

No news is....................................................impossible

A miss is as good as.........................................a Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.............................Math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............................stink in the morning

Love all, trust..................................................Me

The pen is mightier than the.................................pigs

An idle mind is.................................................the best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's.................................pollution

Happy is the bride who........................................gets all the presents

A penny saved is...............................................not much

Two's company, three's........................................the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what..............................you put on to go to bed

Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose

There are none so blind as.....................................Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not...............................spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.....................................get new batteries

You get out of something only what you.......................see in the picture on the box

When the blind lead the blind...................................get out of the way

A bird in the hand................................................is going to poop on you

(And the winner is....)

Better late than...................................................pregnant

6 Truths

From my Aunt Johnnie. Just for funz!!!

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.....
I'm an idiot and I needed company.

Now You Know

From my Auntie Lil, I love this one. It's not politically correct & I don't care. We all need to just lighten up sometimes!

10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people won't admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people won't admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. 'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people won't admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a KoolAid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

Now. Get over yourself and go ahead and laugh about it. You know you want to!