Love In Motion?

(from a magazine in a waiting room)

Three guys get to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Peter asks the first one, "Tell me, friend, were you a faithful husband?"

The guy hangs his head. "Well, mostly, but I cheated a few times."

"Then you will travel around Heaven in this." Peter directed him to a small economy car and the man drove off.

The next guy answered Peter's question with an embarrassed grin. "I cheated, too." he admitted. "But not as much as that last guy."

"Very well," Peter said and handed him the keys to a mid-size sedan with no frills. The guy drove away smiling.

Peter looked at the last guy and raised his eyebrows in question.

The man puffed out his chest proudly. "I never cheated," he proclaimed. "I was a faithful husband the whole 25 years I was married!"

"Very good," said Peter. He handed over the keys to a big, beautiful vehicle with all the trimmings and the man roared off.

A few days later, the three men were all idling at the same Stop light. The men with the smaller vehicles noticed how glum the other fellow looked.

"Hey, buddy," one asked him, "why so down.You did get the nicest car."

"Yeah, but I saw my wife this morning and she was on a skateboard."

They Walk Among Us!

(As promised - more silliness from the email inbox)

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take  it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read:  'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***

 I stopped at McDonald’s and ordered some fries. The girl behind the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

***

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... "Look at that dead bird!"

Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving’...

***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

***

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch!  The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"..... (Some of us work with professionals like this.)

***

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

***

Yeah, you're laughing now, but we've all have our bonehead moments. Just remember - we walk among the rest!

Seriously Funny

(Copied from my other blog) Ladies, this is the best breast-check reminder ever:
I just about broke my phone trying to download the app.

Peace
--Free

The Walking Dumb

(from email, of course. Thanks Barb!)

New York resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A   Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut

B) An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) A Car

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines. The 50/50. answers,  A and D, were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger: an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend." Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon? 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans.”How sure are you?" "Duh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, "The Moon." Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life!

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath - and was told that she was  wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, "The Moon."

Caution...they walk among us!

Love & Pain?

(Another one shared by a wonderful G+ pal. See what you are missing by not being over there?)


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.


Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.


Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'


Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Dad's Money

(Shared by a sweet G+ pal)


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.


The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'


The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'


The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

No Pushing, Please

(Shared by one of my G+ buddies)


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'


While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.


She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!


As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'

Google Plus Me

Hi all...


This is just a personal note to remind you all that I am on Google Plus now. If you would like to join me over there, you can find me at FreeBeing.


Look forward to seeing you guys over there.

True Story

(Not a joke. This is just something a family member told me & I wanted to share.)

My little cousin, Z, was having lunch with his dad the other day while Mom sat nearby in the living room folding laundry.

"Dad?" asked Z, nibbling on his sandwich.

"Yes son?" replied his father.

"Why," asked Z, nodding in the direction of the living room, "did you pick that woman to be my mother?"

His dad was thrown by the question and didn't answer right away.

Z continued, "You could have picked anybody, so why did you pick her?"

His father had sort of recovered, so he replied calmly, "If I hadn't married your mom, you wouldn't be here."

Z thought this over (very seriously it seemed) and finally shrugged. "Oh. Okay then."

Makes you wonder what goes through kids' minds, huh? (By the way, Z is only about 8 years old.) No word yet on if Mom overheard this conversation!

Wow!

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!



Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.


SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.



YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?