And Then The Fight Started (know you love these)

These are my fave kinda jokes...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust.

....And then the fight started

***

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

...And then the fight started.

***

After retiring, I went in to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked for a driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton our shirt."

I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest if proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

...And then the fight started.

***

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat along at a nearby table.

My wife asked me, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago. I bet she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who'd think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

...And then the fight started.

***

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect."

...And then the fight started.

***

I took my wife to a restaurant and, for some reason, the waiter took my order first.

I told him, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He looked surprised and asked, "Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?"

"Nah," I said. "She can order for herself."

...And then the fight started.

***

A man and woman were asleep like innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The startled woman jumped out of bed and yelled at the man, "Oh, crap! That must be my husband!"

So the man, scared and naked, runs and jumps out the window. He runs through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he can go.

A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom, screaming at his wife, "I AM your husband!"

His wife yelled back, "Oh yeah? Then why were you running?"

...And then the fight started